Off the beaten path

The Eternal Existence

2011-11-05T14:57:00.001-07:00

The only existence I feel is one of dread and remorse, for I have lost touch with myself, with God, and with others. I looked in the mirror and did not want to recognize the woman staring back at me..lifeless, joyless, an empty tomb--A chasm exists between myself and the lover of my soul. Why Oh Lord, when I need you most, does Your presence escape me? I try to hold onto your precious Word--promises that you will never leave or forsake me, and that you will deliver me. I fear the worst has come upon me, where doubt and unbelief cloud and darken my vision of Your truth. I have learned to surrender my feelings and circumstances at the foot of the Cross, and I will continue to stand and trust in the only thing that is eternal---You and Your Holy Word!

Oh Loving God, come now to rescue me, for I have lost the will to live. I cannot utter breath without these meds, yet they might as well be my enemy. Whatever I need to live a joyful existence, please bring it now! For I cannot bear another breath of pain, confusion, and emptiness. Come now to fill me with the power and inspiration of Your Truth! Oh God, reinstate life into every inch of this soul!

From Darkness to Light

2011-10-29T17:06:00.000-07:00

My eyes are open, hungering for the light, yet darkness is all I see. My heart beats with fatigue...slow breath, is it even there? It is all I can do to cry out for mercy..."Oh Lord, please deliver me!" I cannot take this anymore! Where is the new life, the strength to mount up with wings as eagles, to run and not grow weary, and to walk and not be faint?" I want these feet to dance again! The burden I surrendered at the break of dawn, still remains a weight I cannot any longer bear. The Lord reminds me that He is the One to bear this weight. I reply, "Then why do I still suffer beneath the effects therewithin?"
"Stand and wait daughter...stand and wait, and may thine heart be still, and know that I will deliver thee!" I close my eyes and wait for My Deliverer, and beneath these closed eyes, the new light will begin to dispel of this darkness, and newness of life will enshroud me!

The Afflicted Soul

2011-10-26T17:55:00.000-07:00

"It was good for me to be afflicted, that I may learn your statutes." This verse has laid seige upon my soul as I reflect on the past three years of my life experiences. I don't know if before this time, I would be able to rejoice in the truth of this verse. Through severe external loss and madness of mind, I have come to many resolutions. I can say, it has been of glory to God and to others that I was afflicted.

The power and raw beauty of God's Word, has injected a soundness of mind and spirit into my marrow. I have been unable to hold onto anything of this world, or that of myself. I was stripped of all I knew, and that which I laid hold. My mind and emotions were my worst enemy, and I so often wondered, "Where oh Lord have I gone...Where oh Lord have you gone?" He quietly asked me to come away with Him, to be still, and to listen. Furthermore, He assured me He was sitting right beside me, holding me as I wept in silence, the cold ravaging my bones. A great multitude of fear and doubt gripped every part of my cellular body, and I desperately cried out for new life. My Savior assured me this rocky and treacherous path, would soon turn into a smooth road, one marked with certainty, clarity and truth. I have learned what it means to be void of spirit, absent from life; however, I have never walked alone, and I will never walk alone. My loving God is absolutely intentional...in all things! There is never a circumstance that He allows which is out of His plan for mylife. He has designed my path with purpose, and with destiny! Take heart dear soul, in whatever travails beset you!

My Beloved

2011-10-01T12:31:00.000-07:00

My Dearest Daughter,
As I look upon your face, I see everything your soul tries to hide. I know the anguish of this disease that has taken you captive all these years, and I do not take lightly the weariness within each breath and every sigh. I want you to continually know that my love for you is greater than you can fathom...it burns hotter than any fire that has scorched the land. I see the confusion in your eyes when you don't understand or comprehend this kind of love... the kind of love that allows for extended suffering. Take hold of My Word that speaks in great detail about the purpose and the glory in suffering. Envision my death on the Cross, and the great meaning within this sacrifice. My Father knew that it would be more difficult than I could ever imagine, yet He saw the whole picture. This death would mark the greatest event in history, for by my blood, men would have access to eternal life. I see the whole picture for your life because I am infinite. With your finite mind, understanding of the infinite is impossible, and you can only see and feel the pains of your yesterday, your today.

Precious daughter, this present darkness does not dictate the state of your tomorrow. With every breath, you continue to pursue me, and this has not passed me by. This long trial is all working for your good and for my glory! I am healing you! I am building character so steadfast, a fortitude of spirit, soul and body, that will affect the nations! Your dreams to write and speak were first my dreams, and then they became yours, as I implanted them within your heart! This is your Gethsemane, and from this wilderness, you shall emerge as a gem who has been placed in the fire, not to be burned, but to be refined. And out of this process, will arise a woman who is so free, she won't know what to do with such a liberation! Please see the smile upon my face as I gaze into your eyes and call you "My Beloved, Never Forgotten One, and Cherised Among All Rubies!" Continue to fix your eyes upon me. Do not look to the left or to the right. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, yet will not always remain. Allow the highest degree of hope to seize all that you are, for I have wonders anew in store for you!!!

Let Hope Arise!

2011-08-28T20:22:00.000-07:00

Precious Lord, speak to me in the silence that displays itself through this pain and confusion! All that within me quakes, and cherished breath is a foreign commodity...yet in this imprisonment, my eyes shall look to your goodness and glory! You remind me of the beauty displayed in Jeremiah, where you comfort your children with the hope of the future....for you will break this suffocation, and lead me into the plans that you have for my life! Oh, the freedom that arises in my core, when I focus on gripping Your Word with all that I am...and I know that abundance of blessing unfolds for those who walk in obedience! I will speak to the evils of my flesh and rise up with sword of the Spirit! Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!

You turn my eyes to the travails of Spurgeon, John Donne and many others... yet within their longings of humanity, Your sovereignty was their sanctuary! My being is filled with joy as points of relation with these men is so present. Many times they were stricken with paralysis of body, soul and spirit, taken into realms of suffering humanity hopes never to encounter. As I persevere through my own imprisonment, I am comforted by the stories of these men, and I will press on, desirous of continuing on as a warrior...taking the next step, climbing the next mountain, no matter how bloody my body becomes..God never makes light of our suffering...EVER! If we can envelope His spirit in every facet of our lives, the pain is seen differently...continue on dear soul in laying burdens down at the foot of the Cross! We are not built to be the bearer of our burdens!

Oh God, teach us to dwell continually in the shadow of The Almighty! A paradox exists before my eyes, in which my soul is so barren, yet a well that overflows..the words arise, sentences keep forming..I am so impassioned by this weakness, and the parallels that are present, and furthermore emboldened to share with others! Within this heart's cry, teach me to look to You above all else! May I crave nothing but the favor of Your face, Your presence before me, around me and in me! I will walk in the power of Your presence, I will declare Your promises over my soul and that of others! I will not look to the state of another's existence and ask "Why not them?" For I know you are doing the unimaginable in my life, and I will claim this as long as you give me breath! Take us from the temporal into the supernatural Oh Lord..that fear would be far from us, as you bring us into a deeper understanding of Your Holy Spirit!!! May we live in the expectancy of Your return Eternal Father! May we live for Your glory, and that alone.

Just Beat It

2011-07-04T15:39:00.001-07:00

The rhythm, nature unrelenting... in how it crept into my veins, pushing my body to greater limits, making every bead of sweat drip with purpose; however mind's eye was impacted with an implosion of reverential awe. Dark light filled the room of sweaty bodies, pulses beating, each to their own accord... and then within the midst of ear-deafening music, I began to realize that my spirit quaked in a new way, and I questioned and studied this..I took notice of the lyrics, nausea filled my being as I was saddened by the ignorance that so easily causes discord within my own life.

It has been second nature to simply groove to the beat, to the rhythm of whatever is pumping around me, yet I have begun to notice the nature of the lyrics, void of rhythmical value. It amazes me how powerful the words are, yet lacking in substance and worth...I begin to think about today's youth, and all the influences that surround...Lady Gaga seems to be more illustrious than Jesus...a backwards world needs to be turned around again...it begins with
a voice of change, a voice of true purpose and passion!

A Soul Apprehended

2011-06-12T19:17:00.000-07:00

Times of recent have proven my weakness, and absolute need for a holy God who desperately loves His children. I have been overcome by emotions of depth and torment, that have arrested every cell in my natural existence. My spritual man is alive, hungering for more of that which is not of this world. To experience the realm of this is raw, humbling, and troubling. I call out for restraint, yet I hear silence, I know nothing except the pain of realms undivided. As I read of the pains of our history, those comprised of philosophers, artists, and theologians, I am comforted....for from the depths of my spirit, arises hope again..I can see it, small, in the shadows..yet, it is there. These men rose above the calamities of the spirit, soul and body, and produced great works of writing, that God has used to grace this lonely and broken soul. Our feelings cannot dictate anything about our present or future state. If feelings were in dictatorship, would our King die a lonely death upon the Cross? I think not...He died because of a higher calling..He knew that the desperation of His natural man, would save us from the death of our natural man, in that, the redemption of our souls would move us into the presence of our spiritual man. We have freedom from this present darkness, if choices are made to surrender our earthen vessel.

I am captured, in particular, by C.S. Lewis...a man of brilliance and integrity, seized by the reality of the universal pain of our existence..."God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pains...it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Think upon this, and stand in awe...not of a man who apprehended the American world by his great works, but of a man who was apprehended by a God who suffered the greatest pain imaginable..all for us, all for our redemption. Unto Him be glory and honor forever and ever..Amen!

Majesty's Infusion

2011-05-26T16:03:00.000-07:00

I am imprisoned to this flesh which seeks to be my demise.
Pulling me deeper into the abyss of deserted soul...
Dry eyes, that become a wasteland of tears,
Covering my skin, a sea of salt.
But deep within, rooted in my being,
Is a TRUST and a HOPE in the ONE TRUE GOD,
The KING OF ALL KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS!
He has taken residence within this skeleton,
Covered with earthen wear,
And within this enveloping, He resurrects...
Soul, mind and body...all that I am, to be all that He is!

And I hear His whisper of gentle, yet strong tone...
Lift up thy face oh daughter of mine!
Think not upon the pain that enraptures you,
But know and rest in the assurance..
That I am not a God who forgets His Bride!
Your being ingnites with my fragrance...
Breath of endless joy, suffocation no more!

My child, remain in my arms,
Listen to my voice...
The lover of your soul, the Master and Commander..
Of the Universe..all that was, and is, and is to come!
Let the infection of My Presence...spread like wildfire..
Consumption of your humanity, in exchange for My Majesty!

Ransomed

2011-05-13T22:14:00.000-07:00

We are souls wailing for redemption..

A release from our humanity!

Oh take this flesh, this restlessness..

Majestic Lord, Risen King..

Breathe your Holy Life into our lungs...

Reaching the very marrow of our mortal beings!

When we look into the mirror,

May we see a reflection of You..

Those created in Your image,

Made new, walking with purpose,

Your blood pumping through our veins,

The cries of Divinity upon our heart's throne!

Warrior's Cry

2011-05-04T19:43:00.000-07:00

I must veer my eyes heavenward..

And unto the Mighty King,

Whose glory is my ring!

Upon His breast, I will find rest..

And sit awhile.

He is my shelter in this storm of nature unceasing,

Breaking free from societal norm,

I will venture on never fearing the unknown!

For my God promises new strength and healing,

And upon this truth, I do stand!

I am His, and He is mine,

Hand in hand, we march on into enemy's line!

With sword in hands that quake..

I march on, with eyes awake,

To fight anything that comes my way!

Oh Savior Divine, with love abounding,

It is within your arms my life dost lay!

Please issue this weary soul rest,

And may hope increase through this dark test!

Amen and Amen.

Reclamation

2011-04-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

Where upon this floor I lie,

Beckon unto You with soul dost cry..

My head cannot take the weight of this pain,

But Lord, I know, this is for your gain!

I look outside, and wish I were..

Gone with the wind unto the earth.

Scaling the depths of Your glory,

Upon the eagle's back I ride..

And down into the shadows of the tree I hide.

You meet me here and sit awhile,

I talk to You if presence be so..

My Comforter, Oh friend of sorrows,

Stronghold, My Deliverer!

You wipe my tears that flow as rivers of torrent,

Though confusion grip my soul,

There will never be a hole..

You always fill, you mend my wreckage,

And gird me with the armor of shine,

Unto Thee, be glory divine!

Stolen by the Sea

2011-04-23T21:55:00.000-07:00

I am caught beneath the waves of the Adriatic Sea..

Woven into the muse of life underground,

Dancing mindlessly with creatures my eyes have yet to glimpse..

I slowly morphed into a mermaid-like creature,

Visible humanity left upon the shore.

Fear of life underground left me,

And I became apart of this culture of mystery,

Eclectic, graceful, beauty unknown.

A state of awe consumed my being,

As colors of foreign identity blazed before my lids.

The luminescence of my soul, joy abounding!

A Lost Companion

2011-04-14T19:27:00.000-07:00

So many years we have spent together,

Crossing fences through stormy weather..

You have guided me when I was lost,

You are with me here as I lay.

When all alone, I always enjoy your company..

Making sense and issuing connections,

Sharing your creativity, reminder of internal calendar..

Ideas of brilliance, an endless wonder..

Heart and soul so intwined with others.

A pleasant greeting from dawn to dusk,

Reminds me of cherished minutes..

Times when every breath, every sigh,

Any action of the day, preserved in delicate beauty.

A mother's wisdom perhaps easing emptiness..

A void which has sucked me dry, a desert within my cavity..

Naked with destitution..the fear of oneself.

The absence of you, the thrill of your gifts,

The joy enflaming every extremity and vein.

Oh, where have you escaped?

I am imprisoned and need you!

Originator of innovation..luminosity unfolding..

Unimaginable radiance invading death's hold,

An umbrella from the rain,

A shelter from the storm.

I found this in an old journal..a poem I wrote in 2001, two years after being diagnosed with Bipolar..I was in a depressive episode, feeling as if I had lost my brain..the brain is the lost companion..hope this helped someone, or at least opened eyes and hearts..perhaps educational :)

Resurgence

2011-04-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

Resplendence out of ashes,

Darkness never without the light,

I am falling beneath the floor..

The madness seizes my b0nes..

Cold, I shiver, night ensues.

I envision my Savior holding me..

Upon His back I will find rest,

His whisper of reverence softens..

With my spirit rising to greater heights,

Dark night of the soul quenched..

Savor this breath I will,

And fear not the next.

Source of Discontent

2011-03-31T13:23:00.000-07:00

This is hardly worth posting, yet for a writer who is a perfectionist, it is validated! Some of my posts do not have paragraph breaks, and I have been trying to mitigate this issue, however I have found no success--perhaps this is due to the pain that seizes my head..anyhow, I am writing this in defense of myself--haha--the writings that you read are intentioned to have the breaks, but my computer does not want to respond correctly--I hope you all find the posts most challenging and rich for the soul--may the Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face to shine upon you!

No Greater Love

2011-03-31T12:53:00.000-07:00

Every time I endure another level of pain, I am encountered with the thought of what I shall do in this pain..it is naturally a part of the human existence to try and fix the pain, to become frustrated, down, despondent..how do I escape from the madness? Oh, how the Lord is reframing my thoughts within this! And how I rejoice, more and more, when from this pit, my soul arises upon the wings of the Lord! The physical pain may not even change, but my attitude and spirit regarding this pain..does change..it is only through the power of Christ in my being, that I can truly rest in the pain..sometimes understand the source thereof..but if not the understanding, simply being still and knowing that He is God! What profundity lies within the statement that He is God! Be affected by this..daily..by the minute..He is God, the One who gave His only Son to die for us..a people so entrenched in selifishness, self-pity, hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy--my stomach turns as I think of it..as I think of the sin in my own life in which the Lord is convicting me! If we are not broken by the magnitude of this sacrifice--the ultimate sacrifice of all time, then we need to plead with the Lord to make it blatantly clear to the core of our natural man! Envision Him as He walked through the crucifixion--pain that no man other than our Savior has felt--in every realm, concerning the physical, the spiritual, emotional and psychological..blood and sweat pouring forth from His brow, a crown upon His head, the weight of the world upon His heart, a Cross to carry and then hang upon...hanging there as the world spit upon Him with rejection..He died for this..He died for this..may this humble us dear souls! I wept today as I was hit like a tsunami with this horror, yet beautiful..how can we then continue on unaffected by our own sin, and that of the world! This is a time to rise up people--fixing our eyes upon the glory that is to come..sit with Him in your pain and ask Him to reveal the jewels that lie beneath the essence of pain..there is ALWAYS a purpose in our pain..the Lord NEVER allows anything within our lives through mere happenstance. He is a God of purpose, destiny, hope, and everlasting life..trust Him today, and rest in His arms..what glory to behold, what magnificence abounds!

Breathless

2011-03-30T21:58:00.000-07:00

There are silent screams in my head, veil falling over my eyes and I shutter, I gasp, heart sinks..internal to external, the wailings begin and I cry out for peace! I just want to be ok, I murmur with shaky voice and hand..bells ringing.. The Savior I cling to, His arms of invisible squeeze me, envelope me.. And I know this will pass, as I will learn, I will write.. the passion, the dimension of soul will rise to new levels.. A heart quenched makes for a dry spirit and soul..an inner desert land must be foreign within me.

Septic Soul's Redemption

2011-03-26T20:58:00.000-07:00

Rise above sepsis of the mind, the heart! We, as a people, need to realize our depravity apart from our loving God..we are nothing, He is everything..He will break us, He will move us, He will absolutely reveal to us our need for Him..what glory this is to behold, as He transforms our depravity within our cavity..and His life into us..ah, take this in..dance, sing and shout!

Escape from cultural reality, question the indentations of geneological mystery, the complexity of history, the reciprocity of professor and student--there is a great life beyond this temporal mess..but I do not neglect the beauty of this world when Christ is upon our heart's throne, because we then see with His eyes..hearts united as one, the dance of life..life with Christ in eternity is ours to behold if we surrender our humanity upon this earth, in exchange for the explosion of His love and divinity to enrapture us! We must recognize dear ones, that we are by nature, of sinful heart, and we need redemption by His blood..confession and repentance equates to freedom, entrance into another dimension with the Lord! This is hard, simply stated, but worth more than jewels..The more we humble ourselves before our King, the more we realize how holy He is, and the immensity of His love infuses every part of our natural beings!
Above all, KNOW of His love, DRINK of His freedom, and GLORY in The Cross!

Heart Extracted

2011-03-25T21:20:00.000-07:00

Strangely enough, Last of the Mohicans grabbed my mind today with an intense parallel that I see for a dear friend of mine..for those who don't know, Last of the Mohicans is, in my opinion, one of the best movies I have ever seen..reasons are plenty, but a vivid and heart-pumping soundtrack is one of them. In one of the scenes, the main bad dude takes it upon himself to grab the beating heart out of one of the soldiers..this scene was intense, to say the least, but has spoken to the depths of my heart.
The Lord our God is a mighty God, jealous for those whom He loves, and aching to know more of His people...to the very core of who we are..I have been quite impassioned as of late with His love, His healing, His provision, and His glory! And this passion ignites the quintessence of my being like a tsunami, a violent storm..I saw the Lord reaching into Your cavity, seizing your heart..the beating, the blood, the beauty..and He, with grace and breathlessness, brought it to His breast and held it there. With eyes closed, serenity upon His face, and fear upon yours, it was all as it should be. Redemption, reemergence, complete renewal..you were desperatly reaching out for it with sweat, tremors across your body..you wanted it back, you wanted it to be as you desired..but the King knew better..your heart in His hands, your life almost dead..oh what glory was to behold, as the Savior with unveiled face reached down and placed His heart into yours..and you thought it was gone..well it is..but you now have a new heart that pulses with the rhythm of Christ Himself, you have been made new, you stand up and you shout because you have been saved..glory, peace, vivacity, intensity..you never thought it could be this good..and the Savior of the Universe pulls you into His majesty and whispers.."You have my heart within you now, run with a new heart that beats, that dances, that sings with purity, life, peace, and grace!" You cannot hold it in..you gasp, you sob, and then you fly with renewed wings like the eagles..You scream, "I am free, truly free!"

No Room For Reason

2011-03-22T22:17:00.000-07:00

My answers are not to be found by the reasonings of my own mind, for if I place reliance up0n such falsitites, death of my soul, I will find..yet if I trust upon Christ and His wisdom, freedom and illumination light my way..this is a strange argument as God has equipped us with minds and hearts to reason, to think for our own..if we did not have the capabilities to do so, we would be lost much of the time. I have recently been learning a great deal about what I am actually thinking about throughout the day, and I find that many times I am caught in my dream world, in fantasy, creating a reality of my own, instead of living in the present. The Lord is teaching me a great deal about the beauty in captivity of thought, such that if my thoughts are not glorifying to Him, they are glorifying the enemy..oh come on now, but the more I studied this, the more it has sat on my heart's throne. We try and try to figure things out, to calculate, to justify, to rectify, yet all along, the Lord is sitting peacefully beside us, just waiting for us to give it all to Him! Dear friends, what peace, solitude and contentment has been found as I continue to be diligent within this..the more we become His, the more we surrender the rights to ourselves, and furthermore realize that we are His workmanship--He can do with me whatever He wills--this has taken a great deal of brokenness, as I have battled with sickness of mind and body..The One who sits on the throne loves us exceedingly, and will do what it takes for absolute surrender..do with me what Thou wilt! I long to be His more and more because He has assured me within the eloquence and power of His Word, that His ways are higher than my ways! The Lord promises to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ever imagine! Such glory divine..the battle is not ours to fight, but the Lord's--we simply have to be willing warriors :)

Divinity Unfolds

2011-03-18T20:21:00.000-07:00

I see the light, but a glimmer of modest shine, presence close to unknown..and I know, I hope for this light to grow, until this reflection of divinity encapsulates every inch and depth of my cavity..infecting every bodily rhythm, furthermore revolutionizing the intentions of my every move, His life's direction!

Take Me As I Am

2011-03-18T20:04:00.001-07:00

Take me as I am, down here upon the floor..I am sinking under quickly..these tears have stained my face for far too long, and I have nowhere to go but unto the feet of Your glorious Cross..You meet me here with all that is within me--this confusion,the rage that seizes my soul, that which is trying to steal me away from You! I stand up and say No! My voice cries out.." Let there be nothing that takes me away from You Oh Lord! I don't want the lies to eat at me, I don't want his face to consume me, I don't want my impulsive desires to be my guide! This torment shall not be in vain, for through it, I will help those around who suffer from the reality of the darkness that floods the yes with untruth..this then is how we stand..we must flood our eyes with the truth, the illustrious promises of our Lord--He meets us where we are, and He cries with us. He knows our pain, feels it, embraces us as we feel death at our next sigh. Oh Glorious and Risen Savior! I thank thee for giving me a reason to live. Thank you for placing people within my life who speak truth and promise! My breath is taken away as I meditate upon Your holiness, the death You died to give me new life! I choose to walk in Your freedom, and I choose to fight for You, to fight for my life, and to fight for others!

Victims No More!

2011-03-18T19:49:00.000-07:00

We cannot fall victim to the enslavement of our emotions or feelings, those which have imprisoned us in the past or the present! I quite often find myself so desirous of trying to capture a past moment, a person I used to be, a feeling that heightened my emotional state of being..if we are chasing an emotion or a feeling rather than chasing Christ, we are in sin..this sounds harsh, but the Lord has revealed this to me..and through this revelation, I am beginning to find freedom for my mind, my soul--praise Him! We are caught within the trappings of the lusts of the flesh, rather than the truth of Christ. We need to become evermore diligent about applying the Living Word of God to sustain and strengthen the state of our mental affairs! Lay it all down before The King..immediately! His love will envelope our beings, His peace will rush through us like a mighty river, a fiery blaze--woooohoo :) Take captive those thoughts and make them obedient to Christ! Philippinas 4:6 states, "Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

If our souls do not hunger and thirst for righteousness, take a microscopic look at the happenings within your life, both internally and externally! Do not be hesitant to ask, "Lord, why do I hunger not?" The world needs to know Jesus, and it begins with those who have become pierced by His Word, and who can truly utter, "Nothing else matters than knowing Jesus Christ!" As we grow to know Him, may the truth of His beauty, His Majesty, and His sovereignty, ignite the quintessence of our natural beings!

Thy Wondrous Majesty

2011-03-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

Oh Lord, Creator of this vast universe..I am forever grateful for Your authority, Your dominion..for without Your holy presence, the human race has no hope, there is no freedom from sin! I am so thankful for Your presence, Your sacrifice upon The Cross! You came to serve, not to be served. Lord, we live in a world where justice is many times forgotten, man is set upon the throne, rather than You, our Almighty Creator! Oh, that we learn to become lovers of You, disciplined in our actions, in our thoughts..teach us to die to ourselves daily. Redeem us Oh God, that Your life in us, would cause man to question His existence, his every breath--that those who don't know You, would encounter a heartache, a brokenness as never before..may they fall prostrate in the realization of Your unfathomable, mysterious love! We are lost without You Lord!

Tooooo Long!

2009-11-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

So, as can easily be noted, it has been toooo long since I have given my blog some looovin', however times have been a torrent of raging waters the past few months, with the whirls of bipolar and meds encircling my camp-- but the Lord is glorifying Himself as I walk through the fire, and growing my character and ability to endure through longsuffering. I have to remind myself that through every trial, I am growing in Christ-likeness (Wow is this hard) Anyhoo, I am doing much better, and will be returning home to visit fam and friends for the holidays--should be home for close to a month--yippee! I have also begun working on my book again, which is moving slowly, but at least there is movement.

Soon, I will be entering some work that I have done in the past months, but have failed to glisten my blog, or rather, at times, bring a dark cloud--whatever the case, more will be revealed from the mind and heart of Ms. Ater. Until then fellow bloggers, never stop pursuing that which falls heavy upon your hearts, and question motives and intentions in everything.

Ressurect Me!

2009-07-22T15:08:00.000-07:00

I stand in a room, the walls are closing in..
My breath is stolen and I fall to my knees--
Blood and sweat pour forth from my brow,
This struggle within my mind, my flesh..
Burns for past lusts.
Commencement of inner wailings, my soul cries out---
Freedom from myself, will not be so,
Unless there is absolute surrender.

Infuse me Oh Lord, with your holy fire..
Your blood pumping through my veins,
Master of Puppets will you be--
Looking down to the ground, I see the hurts of my past..
Sorrowful eyes, heavy heart;
And then, the lifter of my head veers my eyes, my heart upon..
His love, His grace, and His divine leading.

Divine Rest

2009-04-25T22:41:00.000-07:00

Rescue me from the reflection of me...
Take me away to rest beneath the shadow of Your wings.
Harbor not the ways of my past,
Surrender me, Oh Lord, from the addictions which suffocate--
Take me down..breathe, I cannot, on my own--
Be my breath, my everything!
May the reason I live today, be not of my own accord.

Reckless Abandonment

2009-04-21T21:31:00.000-07:00

Now is the time for people to come alive..to live in reckless abandonment to the truth, to be enslaved by the One who has made us citizens of the light--Jesus Christ Himself!
Oh Lord, daily may we surrender ourselves at the foot of the cross, humbly seeking to surrender the old self, that which holds us hostage to the chains of sin, the violence of our minds, the confusion of our souls!
This battle begins and ends with the mind. The more we soak in the truth, in the beauty of God's Word, the more sanctified we become, and evermore aware of that which is not truth.

Oh Lord, this day is filled with the glory of Your love, the scent of You is magnificent..the trees raise their arms in praise, the mountains of grandeur, so vast..unfathomable beauty, never-ending love! Cause our hearts to be humbled by the extravagance of Your creation, the birds sing without ceasing! You are great, You are God..Creator of this universe!
May we live as a people who hold firmly to the truth, unwaver may we not in this gift of life..that our desires for that which is holy and pure overcome our desires for that which is of this world!!

Life Underground

2009-03-22T22:58:00.000-07:00

Why in despair sweet dancer of the light?
Come now and sit with me in the basement of hope..
Where art lies and music strings--
Long for curious fellows to inhabit..
Expression of veins on fire,
Must get it out for fear I shall burst..
And then, art is upon the ground.
Schrapnel-like pieces..
Put me back together, so I can be whole again--
One with you, sitting here..
In this basement of hope.

Carnival

2009-03-21T18:42:00.000-07:00

You will remain a vestibule of wonder...
Influx of memory and emotion--
They play together on the merry-go-round..
Until they spin off---
Off into worlds of their own.
Collide they may in future happenstance..
To harbor this hope of collision is a loss,
For living in the now is how I learn to breathe.

Awakening

2009-03-08T12:27:00.000-07:00

I sit in the background, muffled voices, smiles of pleasure as wine glasses toast each other..
Conversations unfold, soft lights and the music telling stories, probably more fascinating than the mirage of present voice.
Everything within this house is beautiful to the human eye, the food is so amazing--I sit in wonder, as the time might arrive where it will come alive and dance upon the silver platters.

I always have split feelings about these events for the privileged. I suppose I don't need to be so judgmental, but I believe these thoughts are present due to the growing realization that this world fades away, and I want others to get it. Copious amounts of money is spent on alcohol--booze, booze and more booze. It was as if the importance and esteem of alcohol was greater than mere sustenance..all the people hiding behind their glasses as if everything was fine--well, it's not ok--there are people struggling with addictions, heartache, agonizing depression and anxiety, the loss of loved ones, divorce, and the list could continue.

I imagined this scene as if in a movie..Jesus came crashing through the gold-plated doors in a simple, yet commanding presence. Glasses came crashing to the floor, mothers crying in efforts to shield their babes from the confusion, men at a stand-still. Jesus destroyed everything that had become an idol--all alcohol was destroyed, most everyone stripped of present comfort. The words of Jesus..piercing, yet soft. Jesus communicated the salvation story, and the reality of the depravity of mankind. Some people fell upon their knees in the realization of their depravity, others would have nothing to do with the Savior of the Universe.

And then, as if coming out of a cold sweat, my daydream had ended. A smile that arose from soul's depth landed upon my face, and I knew that I had true freedom and peace, which was a gift from Jesus. I find it is a daily battle to surrender the rights to myself and to this world, but it is now a joy. The world is losing it's appeal, and I am learning to mourn for those who are blinded.

Untitled

2009-03-04T22:07:00.001-08:00

Mind penetrates breath, till speech no longer a gift--
Entrails of your touch, your being rubbed off onto..
Pale skin beneath moonlight's kiss,
Oh what you've done to me..
Heart moving in dolphin-like oceanic speed--
Until intersection of dreams crash this--
Stain-painted euphoria.

The Piercing

2009-01-27T13:31:00.000-08:00

I don't claim to have it all together, rather I claim that I hope to recklessly abandon myself to the One who has it all together.
Broken I arrive at your feet, hungering more for Your word. Wet face from broken dreams, endless questionings to You oh Lord...
Fire breathes beneath my soul, stirring me to do something...
And many times I am directionless, confused.
When I fall beneath the grave, I lost everything I was.
Formed identity I cannot find..
Another suffocating depression, the wailings begin.
Oh God, surrender me from beneath the grave into Your glorious light!
Unveil my eyes from this madness so that I may see Your face.
Oh Lord, I am cold, alone..I beg of You to be ever so near my soul--
Wrap me in your arms of mercy and grace, that I might see clearly again!
Pierce my soul with Your hope, Your deliverance.
Day and night I feast on Your word, for it is my only food, my only hope.
To You oh Lord, I give thanks, in all these sufferings.

New Beginnings

2008-12-08T16:57:00.000-08:00

To whom it may concern...I am currently working on a book--a big project i realize, however it is something I have been desirous of pursuing and completing for some time now--i am considering the title Bipolar, Alcoholism, and Jesus---one can rightly assume the content matter.
I'm basically writing a memoir, and I will place heavy emphasis on the last ten years of my life, and my struggles with Bipolar and Alcholism--Jesus has been my sustenance through it all. This is a huge project, so that will explain the naked blog--new blogs, that is! I plan on entering some here and there, but not to the extent they have been displayed. I love you all, and would appreciate the luck and prayers as I take on this large and exciting project!!

Dancing rhythm

2008-11-11T14:13:00.000-08:00

Step by step, heart pumping in unusal melodic pattern..
Sweat beads draining down her face, salt--stinging her eyes,
Fuck, blurred vision..cannot see.
She makes her way up the mountainside,
Remembering to not lose sight of those boots in front of her-
And to never look up.
She draws a beautiful parallel between her job and the "fire in her mind."
Falling down and getting back up is all she knows.
Fucked up, yet thoughts of color flower deeply, sinking deep.
Insanity outside prevails, yet she feels the enigma of peace--
Her mind..quiet for once.
She knows if she were to remain prostrate,
The fight would end.
An inner madness fuels the fire within her, gets her up the hill.
This mind won't win the war, the hill won't kick her ass.
The victory is yours Oh Lord!
This battle has already been won..
She has reached the top, refreshing air and smoke in one--
The best of both worlds, unscathed, she continues.

You

2008-11-05T22:02:00.000-08:00

The enigmatic way of you,
Causes one to wonder, what is your mystery?
What lies therewithin?
Broken speech, no word, no loss...
At least that is how I try to convince myself,
Of your absence and silence.
At times it feels as if my heart is extracted..
From my being.
Step on it, will you?
To end how I feel,
The feeling that my heart beats only for you.

AA extravaganza

2008-10-25T06:45:00.000-07:00

So last night, I went to my first AA extravaganza of the year..a bit of halloween costume party fun..I was really wondering if I wanted to go because initially the idea didn't run blood pumping through my veins like some social events do, especially music shows..anyhoo, I decided to get outside of my bubble of periodic isolation, and GO! And I am so happy that I did decide to go, as I had loads of fun kickin' up my heels on the dance floor, and making people laugh--always a great time!
I didn't have a lot of time to come up with a costume, so my roommate rummaged up some items, which I thought would make for a punk hickabilly chic, or a modified raggedy ann--haha--at this time, I wish that I had a digital camera, so you all could see the end product! I had a flashy red wig, that was actually really cute, fake HUGE eyelashes, a decent amount of makeup, overalls, western-style shirt, arguile socks and boots--bright colors is always the key, and I definitely stood out like a sore thumb.
Cheers to AA fun, and I had such a wonderful time drinking my soda, and kickin' up my heels :)
What are your plans for Halloween fun?

Here's what's up

2008-10-21T06:18:00.000-07:00

I thought that I would write a blog of a lighter nature, as most of mine are pretty frickin' intense, and that's ok because that embodies me; however, it's nice to venture away for a moment, and be not-so-intense. Light is nice, literally and figuratively.

I am sitting here at my computer, quite obviously, writing to the jury of inquiry, and listening to some hard core Christian music..not quite sure who they are, but the music arises from my new ipod, which I am so stoked to have..what a difference it makes in so many ways, like at the gym, worship music, and just whatever..a bit of a splurge I admit, but fully worth it!

Mike Mosher, friend and educator of stellar music, I was just listening to mewithoutyou..boy are they great, so thank you for introducing me to them :) Now Johnny Cash rings true and darkness avails..in the song anyhow--"like a bridge over troubled water." Love that song.

Anyhoo, decided to not take on more of the world, with the addition of a class in the hopes of the completion of my bachelor's degree..the idea was really cool and challenging, but I decided I am taking enough on at present. I always have to remind myself that when I am feeling like superwoman, the next day I could feel like her evil distant cousin--honestly this is precisely how lovely Bipolar has been displaying itself in my life, however I have to admit, things have been much better since being on the new medication..immensely, and for that I am a grateful woman! It's just plain hard to adjust to anything new, especially bipolar meds. I am ok with this decision, and I know the time will arrive when I can really put the smarts to work..for now, I am quite happy reading books about Einstein, Joan of Arc, William Wilberforce, and a few others..and lots of writing..trying to put more and more on this site. I am so thankful for the gift of creative thought and written word..to all my lovely blog friends..keep rockin' and exercising the intelligence with which you all have been gifted :)

Just Do It?

2008-10-14T04:13:00.000-07:00

So I think I need a bit of advice for this decision I am about to make, although it is as if it has already been decided! To all my peeps out there, here you go..help me in this :)
Through a very random browsing session on the internet, I encountered a few schools that offer online undergrad and grad programs for virtually everthing one would desire to pursue. I thought to myself, MMM, I wonder what Ashford University has to offer in the area of psychology? I have a love for this area, and Biological Psychology was my major, until I underwent a sever manic episode which resulted in failing out of school, and landed my ass back in Lewy town. Anyhoo, fuuun times actually, well besides the intermittent madness..in reflection of that time, it was actually scary; and for those who know me, you are familiar with the episodic madness.

I clicked on this site and entered my information, thinking nothing of it. I don't even think I was desirous at this venture to pursue the completion of my degree, however before long, I received a phone call from a counselor..holy night, I thought, it's like flies on crap..they seemed to surround me with questions, and possibilites, that seem very tempting.

Harry, is my new counselor through Ashford University, and he really wanted to enroll me in school. Basically, in his understanding, I would be able to complete my schooling in about a year, thanks to the completion of four years of college..that's pretty cool, however I would have to become savvy with the usage of internet and email, which I don' think would be a problem, and I could have my degree, which would be stellar (as you can see, I am hashing this out as I write :)
I would only take one class at a time, which would allow me to escape the state of overwhelm. The classes look really cool, and bring me to salivation, as I love to learn and increase dendritic branching. School enhances already-present intelligence, and I am all for that.

So, should I do it? I believe I will be receiving financial aid, so finances shouldn't be a problem, but there is always that tid-bit of fear...will this really work out? I would only be taking one course at a time, which would last five weeks. My only concern is if Socal blows up and we get to go on our last fire tour, which I need..for my sanity and pocketbook. Sounds pretty rad, let me know my friends!

Uprising

2008-10-12T05:21:00.001-07:00

I lit the candle in the hours of the am to signify the dawining of a new existence.
I, Deidre Ater, a child of God and the risen Savior, am slowly learning to live a "bright" life in the midst of a disease called Bipolar Disorder. I am choosing to live a sober existence.

Throughout the last ten years, mixing medication, alcohol, and men, was how I coped. I was continually escaping from myself, though often the thoughts told me I wasn't..the many voices. I always loved fanatical rollercoaster rides, metaphorically and literally. Now, I want to remain in the literal.

Today, I would rather be on the ground, most of the time. My body and mind have grown weary from the viscious storm that has enslaved my life. I knew the sporadic consumption and obsession with alcohol and men was eating me away, life, teeth on flesh (sorry, graphic, yet true).
This obsession tainted my extreme love and devotion for the Lord, and the God-given beauty..it fueled my disease. I wanted, for so long, to just have a quiet mind, to escape the voices running like wildfire through my brain, the core of my being.

Hopelessness simply finds a door and walks in, when the evils of side effects, and the "whatever" thoughts pervade, in relentless pursuit.

I am thankful, truly for all of me, in this moment I share in the cold basement and my shivering body..writing must be done, always! God is giving me the strength, the knowledge of how to breath again. He alone is my all, my grace, and my peace! I will not be defeated, this battle will be won.

A Nation's Desperation

2008-10-02T04:44:00.000-07:00

I become overwhelmed quite often ,soft tears fill my eyes, blurry my vision. Passion fills my being, and I think it has nowhere to go, but to flow out of me.

Brennan Manning's book has touched me in so many ways, and reignited my fire for knowing and following Jesus. I want my fire for God to be made real by the fires that I have fought within my own mind, and on the ground. I don't want to live among the daises, mini-skirts or perfumed hair. I want to walk among lands torched by fire, to see and feel pain, sweat and bleed, for that which I hold true. It is only through remaining humble that we grow, that we can identify with Christ's pain. We should be a people who live in reckless abandonment to the power of the gospel, to live out the reality of Christ's sacrifice upon the cross.

Oh Lord, light the fires in our hearts again! That we be a people unabashedly commited to following You! That we would speak with a boldness and confidence that veers from normalcy, by the strength of your Spirit! Open our eyes to the pain of this world, those who have been deemed unlovely, that your love would seep from every pore on our being, your love would circulate through every vein in our body. Please Lord, increase our disgust for this world, but I beg of you, that we would know how to be in it, yet set apart.

My heart breaks for those who don't know You, who want nothing to do with You. Father, show Your love and Your power! Diminish the pre-conceived thought that you are a God of legality, strict doctrinal adherence to religiosity. You are so loving, so simple, so tender and relentless in your pursuit of our hearts.

We are a nation in desperate need of a Savior, a nation bloated with materialism and self-righteousness; a nation void of altruism, starved of moral maturity, and in need of a spiritual hunger..Jesus Christ.

4 AM

2008-09-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

It's 4am, and I can't sleep. Gotta be quiet and not make a peep.
Glossy stares across the room, my eyes look tired as I stare back through the mirror..
My head tells me that I am ready to be awake,
For I cannot quiet the conversations, analyzations, and questionings.
The chatter is mostly positive, although quite scattered in subject matter..entirely..
From memories of Bellingham mania, to stupid dudes of attraction, to God, crazy fires, boy you name it, it's there, swirling around in my brain.
I have to say that I am thankful for the creative and strange brain of mine, for it is what I have, and even if I wanted to change that, I couldn't..
So, I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety.

I'm assuming my inability to sleep throughout the night is a side effect from my new Bipolar meds..as I recently read that in stark black letters, "difficulty sleeping", among many other lovely side effects. Thankfully, at this juncture, I am not experiencing many other side effects, and hopefully this will continue.

Yes, I finally brought my ass to a psychiatrist, cause I figured, well gee, I do have Bipolar and it has been "untreated" for some time. The quotes reflect the whole drinking thing I did so well..that was my treatment of time's past, and so now that is nil, and I am left with the raw, the scathed, the stark and colored nature of my insane mind. It's all good, because I am truly at a point where I want to live my life and live within myself. I don't want to escape from myself anymore, and this is amazing. Reflections on the past have proven to be countless times of escaping, and covering shit up. No more, no thanks.

So I am praying for the effectiveness of Lamictal in my system, as are others, and today, I am not afraid. The "med wall" has fallen and I am willing to begin dealing with Bipolar in the right way. The moods were too intense and closer together. No thanks, party's over folks! Hopefully someone reading this enjoys the rambling :)

Broken

2008-09-09T11:25:00.000-07:00

Oh Lord, may we experience the depth of our depravity..that this realization bring us to the foot of the cross. That we fully know the only redemption in this world, in our souls, is found in Jesus Christ.

We live in days that are scarred by untruth, colored in "beautiful" deception, souls searching for that which will fulfill, that which wil satisfy the flesh. High and low we search in desperation for the next fix. How do we escape from the fear of ourselves?

I have searched all the avenues of worldly affairs, even knowing the truth, yet so deep in the power of sexual and alcoholic seduction. It sucked me under, until I couldn't breathe. I lost my mind, again.

November 19th, 2007, I experienced the absolute horror and intensity of my disorder, the shrilling effects of chemical addiction. Monsters screaming in my head, God's truth ringing in my heart. The effort to find and maintain a sane thought process was nowhere to be found. I knew in this dark moment, under the rain, hands clenching the steering wheel, that I was at the end. I desperately wanted freedom, but this freedom was death. I didn't want to be alive, yet I knew that I did. The Spirit of God led me to the footsteps of my pastor's home. Battered, broken and helpless...I sunk into the arms of safety, a refuge from the storm. This was the beginning of new life, the beginning of freedom.

Growing Pains

2008-09-05T21:46:00.000-07:00

Yes growing pains..indeed when in a physical form they are an annoyance, but these growing pains I speak of ,are those that involve the mind, spirit, and emotions.

I am proud of myself right now as I battled with the intensity of my emotions this evening without drinking or slamming a bat through my car door--which by the way, was a temptation. I am finding I have a great deal of rage as I am working through this program of recovery..alcoholic recovery.

Today was actually a great day, beginning at the wee hours of 420..yeah, totally unplanned, however, as my eyes opened I was initially thinking, "what a royal pain in the ass!" I just want to get some dam sleep! After I conquered this thought, I tried to do the next best thing with myself, and the flood of thoughts swirling around in my brain like acid in the tummy. I decided this was a perfect time to spend on my knees, communing with the Lord. As is often the case, I am awakened by obsessive thoughts of some design, namely a dude. I went on a tour with my old handcrew and this guy happens to be really cool, and hot..so, test number 9000..God is asking me, what are you gonna do with this one? Deep breathe, ahhhhhhhhhh..I surrender my emotions and true honest feelings, and I pray, a lot. After this, I delve into the Word, and make God's promises my own. I am so grateful that I have a strong commitment and love for the Lord..and He is renewing this love BIG TIME!!

I spent most of the day without a headache, and a heart and mind that was truly at peace...the day progressed, and unfortunately, my lovely headache returned (seems to be a part of my identity these days) anyhoo, I tried to keep my sanity, but an engine drive that subtracted some days from my life, and the swirling thoughts and emotions, seemed to get the best of me..dammit !

I went to a friend's house for dinner, which was lovely, but I couldn't escape the loveliness of this fellow..the typical analytical woman thoughts..why didn't he call, blah blah blah..so I texted and shed my skin..completely admitted I had the hots for this guy, and I am now thankful that I did, because now there is peace. He replied and said it would not be a good idea in the least to mix business with pleasure---what a guy--I leveled back down to reality, especially after my aa meeting, and realized, he is so right. He replied by saying, "We are still friends? And then, exchange of humor took place, and I feel so much better..thank you Lord for resolve..booyah..God is good, I am alive, and I am still sober.

Emergence

2008-09-04T22:09:00.000-07:00

Within my heart and mind, there is a continuous struggle for the life of Christ to forever reign in this mortal being, and a struggle to do that which satisfies the annoyance of the flesh. It is a true challenge to balance the two..I am finding..humbling.

These last days and weeks have been a quite a rollercoaster ride in regards to the entirety of my being. I have fought for my sanity, I have fought for the right to choose life. This sounds heavy, and perhaps that is exactly what it is, yet this is reality.

I am living life through being raw. I am learning to deal with Bipolar and all of it's life and death, without picking up a drink or a drug, and for this, I am so grateful; however sometimes I hate it.
I have endured chronic and mental pain for some time now, and I am learning to breathe through it all..to be so thankful to my loving King who forever reigns in this being.

More than ever I have asked Jesus to be Lord of my life..in everything!! I am a desperate human without the light of His life, the strength of His life, flowing through my veins. These past days have been wonderful..I have sought the Lord...desperately. Oh Lord, that your life and your light would forever reign in and throughout me. That the power of Your word change my mind and my heart..chemically, spiritually. I am learning to live a life of spiritual discipline, because this is my vision, this is my lifeline.

I have great hope and vision this present moment. My heart aches for the lost, calls out for the enlightenment of those caught in an empty and fruitless world. I choose to live this moment, enjoying this computer, the music and melody of Dashboard Confessional, and a heart which aches to remain close to my King of Kings and Lord of lords.. I am His, and He is mine. He holds me in His hands when the angst of my soul is too much to bear.

May we be a people of vision, and hope.. a people who are guided by Christ Jesus, and empowered by His love. Let us grow in this love, the only hope for a depravity-stricken world.

The Struggle

2008-08-31T20:38:00.000-07:00

I am finding as I struggle within my flesh, yet call out for the Spirit..
That true discipline is required of one who wants to walk in the light,
And be freed from the past.
It is interesting how, before me, to the left and to the right..
There are are a plethora of temptations..
How I allow my mind to escape into the abyss of lust and desire..AHHH
The war begins and ends in the mind.
I am slowly learning to divert my thoughts towards purity..
To run from the darkness, to stand for the truth, to try and control my incessant desires for sex,
To be imbued by the life of the Spirit, when surrounded by carnal desires.
Who shall stand for truth within this world's depravity?
The loss of moral fortitude.
Oh Lord, turn us from our evil ways,
That those who know Your truth, would be strong in standing by and for the truth..
That the sinful hearts of man be enlightened, empowered, and forever changed!

Thy will, not mine

2008-07-29T22:41:00.000-07:00

So today has been an interesting day, as I had the day off, and accomplished many things that I had to complete, however the day was filled with a few disappointments that threw my moods for interesting loops.
I was under the impression that our engine was not going to go off forest until the latter part of this week, but such was not the case. Our engine was called to the Plumas National Forest, and because I was not working today, I got left behind...it's just simply the luck of the draw, and I have to deal with this..easier said than done, as the word brought me to tears.
I was so excited to go out on another tour, and then wam..it was if a large-sized board hit me in the face.
I had a myriad of emotions, thoughts and moods wash over me, and I knew it was up to what I did with my thoughts...do I surrender my will, or not? I must see this as a part of God's wonderful plan..and simply take refuge in that truth, but holy night is that hard..especially when life recently has been a rollercoaster...gee, the money would have been nice, as my car decided to kerplop on me, and now I am in the process of car shopping. Anyhoo, the complaintes could continue, and I could continue in my sob story.
I am choosing not to remain in this mire of self-pity, and surrender my will unto God's will. Tonight, as I was watching the stars in the sky and praying...I know the Lord was saying, "Thy will, not yours." God's plan in this is so much greater than I can ever imagine, and I must hold onto this, for my sanity.
I am tired, and the days will continue, and something good will come of this..this is only a test in the submission of my will unto my loving King. He knows best.

Silent Monsters

2008-07-08T21:07:00.000-07:00

It wasn't enough to read the promises in Your Word, to hear praise songs..they did not
comfort my lonely soul.
I sat on the couch, alone in the house and the silence was loud, almost deafening, and it was almost too much for my soul to bear.
I decided the best thing to do was to go my room and unleash, to weep, just let it all out.
I told God how alone I felt, how I really just wanted someone there with me, a man.
I wanted someone in that moment to hold me, to tell me how beautiful I looked in my
disheveled moments, to embrace me in his strong arms. I have never had this comfort, and this
is frankly really fucking hard sometimes!
I am totally premenstrual right now, but nonetheless these feelings are real, and, for the first time in my life, this day, I am choosing not to drink over this bitter loneliness my soul
is experiencing.
I have hope this too, shall pass, and the Lord has great things in store for my life.
He is building strength within me that will move mountains, wisdom that will affect many peoples, joy that will infect the nations. This is my journey, this is my vision.
These tears are momentary, this life is temporal, the pain is producing fruits that last for eternity.
In closing, the monsters will go away, and I, will live another day, in sobriety.

Release

2008-07-06T20:20:00.000-07:00

One should not be forgiven for passions unleashed,
Words spoken or written expressing intrigue, true feelings..
That which lies deep in the soul of a man should not be hidden.

We are a people who fear reckeless abandonment, who fear
Vulnerability because the risk of rejection remains a constant;
However, the bottling up of recurring passionate and raw truths
Often cause an explosion.
I do not fear the unleashing of passion to cause another to run the other way, although my Dreams remain in the person running into my arms..
In gratefulness for the expression of love.
I am fully aware my passions are so strong, the energy with which...
They run like wildfire through my veins sometimes feels like utter insanity!
Let us be a people who live in the freedom of release, the freedom of reckless
Abandonment to our deepest passions, our wildest dreams.

Long Days

2008-07-04T21:51:00.000-07:00

So my days have been long, oh so long, as I have been slaving away under the hot California sun...well, most days anyway. Awareness among most, I am assuming is present, as newscasts, radiostations, and newspapers abound with the Northern California Armagaedon.

Yes peoples, California is on fire, and it is all apart of some lightning strikes that began about two weeks prior. Unfortunately, myself and my engine have not been able to take part in the action due to the fact that engines work on a rotation list. There were engines ahead of us that were due to go off forest before us, so they saw the action first hand; although I have to say, the intensity of the fires, and the early summer fire danger, are large watchout situations for further blow-ups, as well as the duration with which these fires will burn.

Although we have not been involved in this Armagaedon, we were prepared for one here in Truckee, as weather predictions here in Truckee warned of dry lightning and there was a bit of panic in the air as resources were low...nothin happened, but darned if we were ready by gosh! We have been working 12 hour days and I am pretty tired and need a day off for shizzle..today is day 10 but I just thinking about that amazing check I will be receiving!!

So, happy fireworks y'all...this girl is hittin' the sack!

Just make it go away

2008-06-24T21:29:00.001-07:00

I am really frustrated right now as I feel my eyes convulse, as well as my lips, side effects of the lovely medication I am taking for headaches---chronic headaches I have been suffering from for some time now. I feel very hopeless at this point because I have tried so many avenues... allergists, spiritual healing, copious amounts of prayers, neurologists, healthy eating, chiropractors, naturopathy, accupuncture, ahhhhhhhhhhh, all's I really want to do now is kick and scream and rage, but, what good would that do?

I suppose this is forcing me on my knees...although I admit, all of this makes me bitter towards the Lord, why Lord, oh why can't you make it go away? I have confessed sins, hell, I quit drinking. I think I have cleansed my life. Then, I recently thought about Paul and his thorn in the flesh...maybe that is what is going on in my life. I would ask those of you who read this, that you would keep me in your prayers and thoughts...that God would give me the strength and the hope to remain in this pain, but to have hope for healing, because I have to admit I am quite a pessimist these days, and dammit, my lips won't stop moving..at least they could give me some drugs that would make me feel good---but that wouldn't be good for an addict, now would it? Haha!

Save a bag, feed the hungry

2008-06-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

A simple conversation with a pharmacist this evening uprooted feelings of disdain for the
American culture, and extreme heartache for the hungry and the homeless. I didn't want a plastic bag for the simple fact I hate to waste, and I knew that bag would have gone to waste. Truth be told, the simplicity of the situation segwayed into global thinking. I quickly remembered a blog I read from my dear friend Charity.

The blog was written in regards to the Haitian people and the seriousness of their poverty and desperation. The wastefulness of Americans is insurmountable, and the ignorance, long-lasting. I am learning to become vigilant in personal lifestyle, that which I buy, that which I use. Awareness is grounded in personal living and speaking out upon these crucial issues.

I wept that night as I drew a visual in my head with people so skinny, so malnourished...one would think, how do they survive? I wept for all those who are hurting, hungry...hungry for food and hungry for a Savior. I pleaded with God that He would restore these people, that He would build within our hearts a growing desire to feed the hungry, to do what it takes to make a change within this world---even if it is through a few words, through our actions.

I prayed that we would become disheartened with our rude acts, our selfish ways...that we would not fear holding the hand of the hurting, embracing the heart of the homeless. That more and more, our hearts would become weary, that our hearts and minds would be content within this weary; because it is through this weariness that a desire for change will arise, and hopefully instituted.

Surrender

2008-06-08T22:28:00.000-07:00

The credits roll down the screen, as an airy, fresh voice echoes near.
Tears fell like rain upon my face, like one sees rain trickle down a piece of glass,
perhaps a window.
I lay upon the couch, remembering his presence beside me, toucing his hair, enveloping his scent.
I was shifting through many memories.. countless times he made me laugh, the life in his smile,
breathed life into my often downcast and lonely spirit.
Many times we spent working long hours upon firelines, and I could hear the melodic noise
of his chainsaw, the sweat pouring down his face..hoping he would make the right decision.
I know it has been necessary to free him from the recesses of my mind, my soul, but love does
strange things...it doesn't just go away by stark willpower, it doesn't go away in less than a year.
Slowly, I am learning to set him free, to be who he is , and I, to learn who I am. It is truly
heartbreaking when the recipient of this care does not feel with parallel passion; but the only
peace I find is knowing someday my love for another will be reciprocated, and the tears that fall upn my face will be tears of joy, tears of gratitude.

Heart Cry

2008-06-02T21:49:00.000-07:00

Today I became almost entrenched in sadness as I listened to the cries from a lady..cries of addiction, drama, interpersonal conflict, and frustration. A large part of this addiction is within the lives of some of the men in which I know, the ones I love. I grow disheartened because I remember when I was in the chains, the darkness of alcoholic addiction, warped thinking due to mental and emotional insanity. I faced the darkness, the cold night, the rain that fell upon my car without surrender. That night, the night I was the lowest, I decided I needed help, and it had to come quickly. Shortly hereafter, I packed up what I needed and headed home...to safety, to embrace a new freedom.
I started going to AA because I knew that was the only way I was going to find out more about my alcohoism, and the way I was going to find a newfound freedom, a serenity, a true peace. I continue to go to these meetings, and the blessings are endless. Today, I am so grateful and happy to live day by day..to surrender myself to the Lord, to ask for grace in the arriving day. Today, I want to live not for myself, but for the lives of others, for my Creator, the Creator of this vast world.
I pray for the freedom of these men in which I work, that their lives would become free...if this takes a rock-bottom experience, so be it, for I truly believe that our lives only find the light when we have become enslaved by the darkness. My heart cries for those lost, fighting for another breath, trying to find resolution in the bottle...the bottle that never ends. There is hope, there is light, and if I might be the only one to shed this light, so be it. There is a God who supplies me with the strength I need to not only help myself, but to help others..with cries, wailings from my heart.

Mmmmm...

2008-05-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

What shall I write? Eyes peering upward into the dark sky. Thoughts, subject matter at mind's forefront, yet hidden blinders have removed themselves from peripheral vision, and now..the field is open. Jazzy funk, offered up by the station of notoriety..NPR--one of my favs, I might add! The echoes in the background inspire my head to bob to a melodic beat, as the music inspires these words.
Recent thoughts and interest to expand upon the following matters of importance and intrigue... the demoralization of the American society, and each individual's role in enhancing the production of a moral people; the study and absolute eccentricity of individuals affected by the interrelation of neurotransmitters and human behavior. The simplicity of merely "being" and learning to move through the awkward stages of this act...to find beauty in inhaling and exhaling...strange wonder within this rhythm and natural body function.
I am finding this time in my life is so new and wonderfully strange. I recently celebrated six months of sobriety, and I never imagined I would ever quit dating my "friend" of so many years. I finally am finding innocence and purity in my life...and learning to fully embrace the two virtues, along with an assortment of others. The revolution, an explanation of the human soul in sobriety, will probably be expanded upon as well in future blog entries. For now, my mouth is watering as I think about the Ben and Jerry's so alone in my freezer, and in need of a -mouth..my very own! Ta-ta for now.

Bella

2008-05-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

So I just finished viewing the movie "Bella" and what a refreshing movie and great soundtrack I might add. A woman finds herself hopeless and confused in the wake of an unexpected pregnancy, but a handsome, altruistic man accompanies her as she walks through this time. A display of raw human emotion, and the resurrection of the beauty of family is depicted...when soul and body is bankrupt, there is one to come alongside...the care in their eyes, the calling out without speech..the comfort in human touch. Wounds are healed through the love and compassion of others, and when we have the courage to say we cannot do it on our own, there are those who help---and in this simplicity, there is peace, there is a divine beauty. Tears fell from my eyes as I was captured by the innocence, the display of philanthropy, the artistry. Truly, a movie worth viewing!

My Mind's Eye

2008-05-18T17:14:00.001-07:00

I saw you down at the water,
toes barely in, head down...
viewing your reflection I suppose..I don't really know.
Looking from behind, it's only speculation..
Perhaps those hazel eyes were closed, and you weren't
seeing yourself, strangely enough, looking back at you.

I like your pant legs rolled up..
Just barely above ankle's crest..
The gentle breeze as it converses with the hairs upon your head.

The peacefulness of this day sings a song all of its own...
Memories of being close to you, all at mind's forefront---
But I am happy to let you go, to release you all to yourself, to life.
These conversations I have with God will never cease,
About you, your humor, the soft speech upon your lips,
The way you moved me...in a time where soul felt bankrupt.

This is the day

2008-04-26T11:57:00.000-07:00

Today has been a good day.. a day in which i have breath
A day that the Lord has made..for that i give thanks.
I am convinced I have found no greater peace, strength or hope
than that which is found in Jesus Christ.
I find myself prostrate many times with cries of anguish...
hoping to find release from the suffocation of mental torment, the
depression and mania that play games within the recesses, the depths.
Proclamation from beneath...Oh that you sovereign God, would surrender me
from the very depths of this rage, this questioning, this wailing.
Many times there has been no answer, but that does not mean the existence of God is nil..
For I have to remind myself of the many times in which His divine breath has penetrated
my being, the Promises in His word have become truth...
The Christian life must be based on our knowledge of the truth, not our feelings about the truth.

Praise God that the presence of His word is immutable,
For suppose the Word of God was not immutable..then truth would not be so..
How would the human race find peace? How could stability even be a word?
I love to think upon these things.
Let us rejoice in the gift of breath, the peace of the night
That we would be a people of a philanthropic mindset, grounded in truth..
that which is found in God's holy word.

Escape

2008-02-28T22:45:00.000-08:00

I was thinking about Hogan's tonight,

And the amazing and eccentric people..

Their footsteps grace the street, the dance floor.

Reflecting upon the different stages of life-

The different people I have been,

Oh, I miss the shows, the red benches

Bill Finch and his cut-off shirts, his fun hair.

Many a conversation I've had with new people,

Engaged stares across a somewhat hazy atmosphere...

Thinking to myself, who is that? He has something to say,

And I have ears to hear.

I learned much about myself in that place..

And about human nature, all with clarity.

Hogan's has a place in my heart.

It is a venue for few folks in the valley who,

Embrace the arts, those desirous of "larger waters"

But, for now, Hogan's allows for perhaps an escape..

A feeling of the city..

And then, I walk ouside and I smell the mill.

God Bless Hogan's... a taste of the city inside,

And the reality of the small town outside.

A Lost Friend

2008-02-01T15:13:00.000-08:00

Those who read will probably be able to figure out who the "lost friend" is...if not, send your guesses my way!

So many years we have spent together,
Crossing fences through stormy weather.
You've guided me when I have lost my way,
For you are there near me even when I lay.
When all alone, I always enjoy your company..
Making sense and issuing connections,
Sharing your creativity and reminding me of appointments---
Brilliant ideas, an endless wonder,
Heart and soul so entwined with others.
A pleasant greeting from dawn to dusk,
Reminds me of cherised minutes--
Times when every breath, every sigh,
Any action of the day, preserved with a delicious beauty.
Never alone or empty, you were always with me.
A mother's wisdom perhaps easing emptiness..
An emptiness which sucked me dry, left me bottomless,
Naked with destitution.
The fear of oneself, the absence of your life..
The thrill of your gifts, the joy enflaming every extremity.
All was gone, a slave to the wind, a broken body.
O where have you escaped?
Too imprisoned with life, I miss your company.
Originator of brilliance and innovation,
An instrument of wealth..
Powerful radiance invading death's hold.
An umbrella from the rain, a shelter from the storm.
Your depth and wonder so missed--
Prayers lifted to the heavens, embodied with hope.
Please come back to me and fill this hole.

Ok, I'll let you know. I was in a depressive phase of bipolar, and i was feeling as if I had lost my mind, which is "the lost friend."

As Bodie Sees It

2008-01-29T11:24:00.000-08:00

I think Bodie, my brother's dog/family dog, is one of the most fascinating dogs around, and one who I believe displays many human-like characteristics, which I find lovely..so I decided to write a little something from a "Bodie perspective", seasoned with a big dash of human intellect.

I don't like my food, well, actually I do, but i become really excited when my masters have food in front of them. I suppose my food becomes boring, and I like to explore a different class of food altogether. Unfortunately, I think my brief intake of human food makes my insides turn, and I become quiet gaseous and displeasing to most; however I continue to carry on in these acts, and I have no intention of quitting.

I have a secret crush on tennis balls..I enjoy running after them and gnawing on them. I like the way my jaw sounds as it moves up and down...Deidre and "the parents" find this entertaining. I like to engage in a good game of fetch..in the house of course, cause who likes going outside in this weather? That can become rather interesting.

I have a pretty sweet bed upstairs...one of Austen's old camo sleeping bags, and one of Deidre's pillows. This way I can harbor both of their scents every evening, and keep them close to me, though miles separate us. Someday soon maybe I will get to see them both, maybe in the same visit-- that would be divine, and I would be in doggy heaven!

Humanity's Defiance

2008-01-29T11:05:00.000-08:00

This is a piece I wrote some time back..back in the day of about oh, 2001/02... I have been going through some of my old journals and "making them come to life"-- hopefully those who read will gain something.. or not :)

The crickets persevere vociferously through the night,
Does anyone hear us or know our beauty?
We saturate the night with music...
Music to entertain, to distract, simply to be.
Our humble conversation is the talk of many,
Some people anyway, take notice of our song.
We are so faithfully present to so many homes across the world-
Our numbers ever-increasing without boast.
Dead ears breed disgust among the music-makers.
How can so many grow in repulsive ignorance?
Apathy spreads like wildflowers infecting the good soil..
Why do the buzz of cell phones, the senseless chatter of the mouth, carousels and candy canes--
conflict with the natural flow of human existence?
Why, oh why, can we not revel in being still, and hearing nature's song?

A faithful listener appreciates nature's song from a lit room..
It pleases the ear and enlightens her soul.
Frustration abounds with the passing of loud, "pimped out" vehicles,
"red-neck sensation beasts,"
Oh, the ignorant people..
Quiet dignity proceeds, the pleas of the crickets
And humanity's defiance.

Short escalator

2008-01-21T22:18:00.000-08:00

So many times I have wished your eyes were before me, to communicate words, to feel passion, spoken words, of no concern.
Long gazes, the warmth of your skin upon mine...
The scent of you upon my shoulder from a quick embrace,
And how silly I feel to desire never to wash this shirt?
Oh, what you have done,
My insides ride on an escalator of elation and confusion...
Longing for you to be near, never to leave my vision, you, in my veins.

musical inspiration

2008-01-16T22:43:00.000-08:00

Hearing the music, title unknown, inspired the following words:
The rhythm of the music infuses her veins as she moves in step with the beat of the drum, incandescent lights, the flow of the satin skirt behind her...she sails across the floor intoxicated by nothing else than the liberation of the music, the sensation of the rapid pumping of blood through veins, heart beating faster than drum beat---anatomy of human body, boggles my mind. To think everything works to create this divine collaborative movement, the expression of self, the celebration of rhythm, the freedom of release.

Search for love and sanity

2008-01-16T22:15:00.000-08:00

Oh wayward train, movement continues for miles and miles, subsides now...bring me back to life, to reality---crazy train, no more--wake up my soul to new life, a new breath , the dawning of a sober existence
Wake up disillusioned America, and see the man beaten down by the shunning of the people, the blinders of the passer-by. The man who has weathered skin, the feet that turn inward, the hopelessness of his stance. Arise my soul, and see the need of this man, the hunger in his eyes, the need for love. Forever certain souls wait in hopeful abandonment to the emergence of a unified community, an understanding and humbled people.
Where has love gone? People are mere objects of mockery, a vain existence. We become victimized to the machine--production, production, money, money--ah, we have become blinded to the truth, but truth is relative to many in today's culture--absolute truth, the existence thereof? Another discussion perhaps.