I am really frustrated right now as I feel my eyes convulse, as well as my lips, side effects of the lovely medication I am taking for headaches---chronic headaches I have been suffering from for some time now. I feel very hopeless at this point because I have tried so many avenues... allergists, spiritual healing, copious amounts of prayers, neurologists, healthy eating, chiropractors, naturopathy, accupuncture, ahhhhhhhhhhh, all's I really want to do now is kick and scream and rage, but, what good would that do?
I suppose this is forcing me on my knees...although I admit, all of this makes me bitter towards the Lord, why Lord, oh why can't you make it go away? I have confessed sins, hell, I quit drinking. I think I have cleansed my life. Then, I recently thought about Paul and his thorn in the flesh...maybe that is what is going on in my life. I would ask those of you who read this, that you would keep me in your prayers and thoughts...that God would give me the strength and the hope to remain in this pain, but to have hope for healing, because I have to admit I am quite a pessimist these days, and dammit, my lips won't stop moving..at least they could give me some drugs that would make me feel good---but that wouldn't be good for an addict, now would it? Haha!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Friday, June 20, 2008
Save a bag, feed the hungry
A simple conversation with a pharmacist this evening uprooted feelings of disdain for the
American culture, and extreme heartache for the hungry and the homeless. I didn't want a plastic bag for the simple fact I hate to waste, and I knew that bag would have gone to waste. Truth be told, the simplicity of the situation segwayed into global thinking. I quickly remembered a blog I read from my dear friend Charity.
The blog was written in regards to the Haitian people and the seriousness of their poverty and desperation. The wastefulness of Americans is insurmountable, and the ignorance, long-lasting. I am learning to become vigilant in personal lifestyle, that which I buy, that which I use. Awareness is grounded in personal living and speaking out upon these crucial issues.
I wept that night as I drew a visual in my head with people so skinny, so malnourished...one would think, how do they survive? I wept for all those who are hurting, hungry...hungry for food and hungry for a Savior. I pleaded with God that He would restore these people, that He would build within our hearts a growing desire to feed the hungry, to do what it takes to make a change within this world---even if it is through a few words, through our actions.
I prayed that we would become disheartened with our rude acts, our selfish ways...that we would not fear holding the hand of the hurting, embracing the heart of the homeless. That more and more, our hearts would become weary, that our hearts and minds would be content within this weary; because it is through this weariness that a desire for change will arise, and hopefully instituted.
American culture, and extreme heartache for the hungry and the homeless. I didn't want a plastic bag for the simple fact I hate to waste, and I knew that bag would have gone to waste. Truth be told, the simplicity of the situation segwayed into global thinking. I quickly remembered a blog I read from my dear friend Charity.
The blog was written in regards to the Haitian people and the seriousness of their poverty and desperation. The wastefulness of Americans is insurmountable, and the ignorance, long-lasting. I am learning to become vigilant in personal lifestyle, that which I buy, that which I use. Awareness is grounded in personal living and speaking out upon these crucial issues.
I wept that night as I drew a visual in my head with people so skinny, so malnourished...one would think, how do they survive? I wept for all those who are hurting, hungry...hungry for food and hungry for a Savior. I pleaded with God that He would restore these people, that He would build within our hearts a growing desire to feed the hungry, to do what it takes to make a change within this world---even if it is through a few words, through our actions.
I prayed that we would become disheartened with our rude acts, our selfish ways...that we would not fear holding the hand of the hurting, embracing the heart of the homeless. That more and more, our hearts would become weary, that our hearts and minds would be content within this weary; because it is through this weariness that a desire for change will arise, and hopefully instituted.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Surrender
The credits roll down the screen, as an airy, fresh voice echoes near.
Tears fell like rain upon my face, like one sees rain trickle down a piece of glass,
perhaps a window.
I lay upon the couch, remembering his presence beside me, toucing his hair, enveloping his scent.
I was shifting through many memories.. countless times he made me laugh, the life in his smile,
breathed life into my often downcast and lonely spirit.
Many times we spent working long hours upon firelines, and I could hear the melodic noise
of his chainsaw, the sweat pouring down his face..hoping he would make the right decision.
I know it has been necessary to free him from the recesses of my mind, my soul, but love does
strange things...it doesn't just go away by stark willpower, it doesn't go away in less than a year.
Slowly, I am learning to set him free, to be who he is , and I, to learn who I am. It is truly
heartbreaking when the recipient of this care does not feel with parallel passion; but the only
peace I find is knowing someday my love for another will be reciprocated, and the tears that fall upn my face will be tears of joy, tears of gratitude.
Tears fell like rain upon my face, like one sees rain trickle down a piece of glass,
perhaps a window.
I lay upon the couch, remembering his presence beside me, toucing his hair, enveloping his scent.
I was shifting through many memories.. countless times he made me laugh, the life in his smile,
breathed life into my often downcast and lonely spirit.
Many times we spent working long hours upon firelines, and I could hear the melodic noise
of his chainsaw, the sweat pouring down his face..hoping he would make the right decision.
I know it has been necessary to free him from the recesses of my mind, my soul, but love does
strange things...it doesn't just go away by stark willpower, it doesn't go away in less than a year.
Slowly, I am learning to set him free, to be who he is , and I, to learn who I am. It is truly
heartbreaking when the recipient of this care does not feel with parallel passion; but the only
peace I find is knowing someday my love for another will be reciprocated, and the tears that fall upn my face will be tears of joy, tears of gratitude.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Heart Cry
Today I became almost entrenched in sadness as I listened to the cries from a lady..cries of addiction, drama, interpersonal conflict, and frustration. A large part of this addiction is within the lives of some of the men in which I know, the ones I love. I grow disheartened because I remember when I was in the chains, the darkness of alcoholic addiction, warped thinking due to mental and emotional insanity. I faced the darkness, the cold night, the rain that fell upon my car without surrender. That night, the night I was the lowest, I decided I needed help, and it had to come quickly. Shortly hereafter, I packed up what I needed and headed home...to safety, to embrace a new freedom.
I started going to AA because I knew that was the only way I was going to find out more about my alcohoism, and the way I was going to find a newfound freedom, a serenity, a true peace. I continue to go to these meetings, and the blessings are endless. Today, I am so grateful and happy to live day by day..to surrender myself to the Lord, to ask for grace in the arriving day. Today, I want to live not for myself, but for the lives of others, for my Creator, the Creator of this vast world.
I pray for the freedom of these men in which I work, that their lives would become free...if this takes a rock-bottom experience, so be it, for I truly believe that our lives only find the light when we have become enslaved by the darkness. My heart cries for those lost, fighting for another breath, trying to find resolution in the bottle...the bottle that never ends. There is hope, there is light, and if I might be the only one to shed this light, so be it. There is a God who supplies me with the strength I need to not only help myself, but to help others..with cries, wailings from my heart.
I started going to AA because I knew that was the only way I was going to find out more about my alcohoism, and the way I was going to find a newfound freedom, a serenity, a true peace. I continue to go to these meetings, and the blessings are endless. Today, I am so grateful and happy to live day by day..to surrender myself to the Lord, to ask for grace in the arriving day. Today, I want to live not for myself, but for the lives of others, for my Creator, the Creator of this vast world.
I pray for the freedom of these men in which I work, that their lives would become free...if this takes a rock-bottom experience, so be it, for I truly believe that our lives only find the light when we have become enslaved by the darkness. My heart cries for those lost, fighting for another breath, trying to find resolution in the bottle...the bottle that never ends. There is hope, there is light, and if I might be the only one to shed this light, so be it. There is a God who supplies me with the strength I need to not only help myself, but to help others..with cries, wailings from my heart.
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