The only existence I feel is one of dread and remorse, for I have lost touch with myself, with God, and with others. I looked in the mirror and did not want to recognize the woman staring back at me..lifeless, joyless, an empty tomb--A chasm exists between myself and the lover of my soul. Why Oh Lord, when I need you most, does Your presence escape me? I try to hold onto your precious Word--promises that you will never leave or forsake me, and that you will deliver me. I fear the worst has come upon me, where doubt and unbelief cloud and darken my vision of Your truth. I have learned to surrender my feelings and circumstances at the foot of the Cross, and I will continue to stand and trust in the only thing that is eternal---You and Your Holy Word!
Oh Loving God, come now to rescue me, for I have lost the will to live. I cannot utter breath without these meds, yet they might as well be my enemy. Whatever I need to live a joyful existence, please bring it now! For I cannot bear another breath of pain, confusion, and emptiness. Come now to fill me with the power and inspiration of Your Truth! Oh God, reinstate life into every inch of this soul!
Saturday, November 5, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
From Darkness to Light
My eyes are open, hungering for the light, yet darkness is all I see. My heart beats with fatigue...slow breath, is it even there? It is all I can do to cry out for mercy..."Oh Lord, please deliver me!" I cannot take this anymore! Where is the new life, the strength to mount up with wings as eagles, to run and not grow weary, and to walk and not be faint?" I want these feet to dance again! The burden I surrendered at the break of dawn, still remains a weight I cannot any longer bear. The Lord reminds me that He is the One to bear this weight. I reply, "Then why do I still suffer beneath the effects therewithin?"
"Stand and wait daughter...stand and wait, and may thine heart be still, and know that I will deliver thee!" I close my eyes and wait for My Deliverer, and beneath these closed eyes, the new light will begin to dispel of this darkness, and newness of life will enshroud me!
"Stand and wait daughter...stand and wait, and may thine heart be still, and know that I will deliver thee!" I close my eyes and wait for My Deliverer, and beneath these closed eyes, the new light will begin to dispel of this darkness, and newness of life will enshroud me!
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
The Afflicted Soul
"It was good for me to be afflicted, that I may learn your statutes." This verse has laid seige upon my soul as I reflect on the past three years of my life experiences. I don't know if before this time, I would be able to rejoice in the truth of this verse. Through severe external loss and madness of mind, I have come to many resolutions. I can say, it has been of glory to God and to others that I was afflicted.
The power and raw beauty of God's Word, has injected a soundness of mind and spirit into my marrow. I have been unable to hold onto anything of this world, or that of myself. I was stripped of all I knew, and that which I laid hold. My mind and emotions were my worst enemy, and I so often wondered, "Where oh Lord have I gone...Where oh Lord have you gone?" He quietly asked me to come away with Him, to be still, and to listen. Furthermore, He assured me He was sitting right beside me, holding me as I wept in silence, the cold ravaging my bones. A great multitude of fear and doubt gripped every part of my cellular body, and I desperately cried out for new life. My Savior assured me this rocky and treacherous path, would soon turn into a smooth road, one marked with certainty, clarity and truth. I have learned what it means to be void of spirit, absent from life; however, I have never walked alone, and I will never walk alone. My loving God is absolutely intentional...in all things! There is never a circumstance that He allows which is out of His plan for mylife. He has designed my path with purpose, and with destiny! Take heart dear soul, in whatever travails beset you!
The power and raw beauty of God's Word, has injected a soundness of mind and spirit into my marrow. I have been unable to hold onto anything of this world, or that of myself. I was stripped of all I knew, and that which I laid hold. My mind and emotions were my worst enemy, and I so often wondered, "Where oh Lord have I gone...Where oh Lord have you gone?" He quietly asked me to come away with Him, to be still, and to listen. Furthermore, He assured me He was sitting right beside me, holding me as I wept in silence, the cold ravaging my bones. A great multitude of fear and doubt gripped every part of my cellular body, and I desperately cried out for new life. My Savior assured me this rocky and treacherous path, would soon turn into a smooth road, one marked with certainty, clarity and truth. I have learned what it means to be void of spirit, absent from life; however, I have never walked alone, and I will never walk alone. My loving God is absolutely intentional...in all things! There is never a circumstance that He allows which is out of His plan for mylife. He has designed my path with purpose, and with destiny! Take heart dear soul, in whatever travails beset you!
Saturday, October 1, 2011
My Beloved
My Dearest Daughter,
As I look upon your face, I see everything your soul tries to hide. I know the anguish of this disease that has taken you captive all these years, and I do not take lightly the weariness within each breath and every sigh. I want you to continually know that my love for you is greater than you can fathom...it burns hotter than any fire that has scorched the land. I see the confusion in your eyes when you don't understand or comprehend this kind of love... the kind of love that allows for extended suffering. Take hold of My Word that speaks in great detail about the purpose and the glory in suffering. Envision my death on the Cross, and the great meaning within this sacrifice. My Father knew that it would be more difficult than I could ever imagine, yet He saw the whole picture. This death would mark the greatest event in history, for by my blood, men would have access to eternal life. I see the whole picture for your life because I am infinite. With your finite mind, understanding of the infinite is impossible, and you can only see and feel the pains of your yesterday, your today.
Precious daughter, this present darkness does not dictate the state of your tomorrow. With every breath, you continue to pursue me, and this has not passed me by. This long trial is all working for your good and for my glory! I am healing you! I am building character so steadfast, a fortitude of spirit, soul and body, that will affect the nations! Your dreams to write and speak were first my dreams, and then they became yours, as I implanted them within your heart! This is your Gethsemane, and from this wilderness, you shall emerge as a gem who has been placed in the fire, not to be burned, but to be refined. And out of this process, will arise a woman who is so free, she won't know what to do with such a liberation! Please see the smile upon my face as I gaze into your eyes and call you "My Beloved, Never Forgotten One, and Cherised Among All Rubies!" Continue to fix your eyes upon me. Do not look to the left or to the right. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, yet will not always remain. Allow the highest degree of hope to seize all that you are, for I have wonders anew in store for you!!!
As I look upon your face, I see everything your soul tries to hide. I know the anguish of this disease that has taken you captive all these years, and I do not take lightly the weariness within each breath and every sigh. I want you to continually know that my love for you is greater than you can fathom...it burns hotter than any fire that has scorched the land. I see the confusion in your eyes when you don't understand or comprehend this kind of love... the kind of love that allows for extended suffering. Take hold of My Word that speaks in great detail about the purpose and the glory in suffering. Envision my death on the Cross, and the great meaning within this sacrifice. My Father knew that it would be more difficult than I could ever imagine, yet He saw the whole picture. This death would mark the greatest event in history, for by my blood, men would have access to eternal life. I see the whole picture for your life because I am infinite. With your finite mind, understanding of the infinite is impossible, and you can only see and feel the pains of your yesterday, your today.
Precious daughter, this present darkness does not dictate the state of your tomorrow. With every breath, you continue to pursue me, and this has not passed me by. This long trial is all working for your good and for my glory! I am healing you! I am building character so steadfast, a fortitude of spirit, soul and body, that will affect the nations! Your dreams to write and speak were first my dreams, and then they became yours, as I implanted them within your heart! This is your Gethsemane, and from this wilderness, you shall emerge as a gem who has been placed in the fire, not to be burned, but to be refined. And out of this process, will arise a woman who is so free, she won't know what to do with such a liberation! Please see the smile upon my face as I gaze into your eyes and call you "My Beloved, Never Forgotten One, and Cherised Among All Rubies!" Continue to fix your eyes upon me. Do not look to the left or to the right. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, yet will not always remain. Allow the highest degree of hope to seize all that you are, for I have wonders anew in store for you!!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Let Hope Arise!
Precious Lord, speak to me in the silence that displays itself through this pain and confusion! All that within me quakes, and cherished breath is a foreign commodity...yet in this imprisonment, my eyes shall look to your goodness and glory! You remind me of the beauty displayed in Jeremiah, where you comfort your children with the hope of the future....for you will break this suffocation, and lead me into the plans that you have for my life! Oh, the freedom that arises in my core, when I focus on gripping Your Word with all that I am...and I know that abundance of blessing unfolds for those who walk in obedience! I will speak to the evils of my flesh and rise up with sword of the Spirit! Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!
You turn my eyes to the travails of Spurgeon, John Donne and many others... yet within their longings of humanity, Your sovereignty was their sanctuary! My being is filled with joy as points of relation with these men is so present. Many times they were stricken with paralysis of body, soul and spirit, taken into realms of suffering humanity hopes never to encounter. As I persevere through my own imprisonment, I am comforted by the stories of these men, and I will press on, desirous of continuing on as a warrior...taking the next step, climbing the next mountain, no matter how bloody my body becomes..God never makes light of our suffering...EVER! If we can envelope His spirit in every facet of our lives, the pain is seen differently...continue on dear soul in laying burdens down at the foot of the Cross! We are not built to be the bearer of our burdens!
Oh God, teach us to dwell continually in the shadow of The Almighty! A paradox exists before my eyes, in which my soul is so barren, yet a well that overflows..the words arise, sentences keep forming..I am so impassioned by this weakness, and the parallels that are present, and furthermore emboldened to share with others! Within this heart's cry, teach me to look to You above all else! May I crave nothing but the favor of Your face, Your presence before me, around me and in me! I will walk in the power of Your presence, I will declare Your promises over my soul and that of others! I will not look to the state of another's existence and ask "Why not them?" For I know you are doing the unimaginable in my life, and I will claim this as long as you give me breath! Take us from the temporal into the supernatural Oh Lord..that fear would be far from us, as you bring us into a deeper understanding of Your Holy Spirit!!! May we live in the expectancy of Your return Eternal Father! May we live for Your glory, and that alone.
You turn my eyes to the travails of Spurgeon, John Donne and many others... yet within their longings of humanity, Your sovereignty was their sanctuary! My being is filled with joy as points of relation with these men is so present. Many times they were stricken with paralysis of body, soul and spirit, taken into realms of suffering humanity hopes never to encounter. As I persevere through my own imprisonment, I am comforted by the stories of these men, and I will press on, desirous of continuing on as a warrior...taking the next step, climbing the next mountain, no matter how bloody my body becomes..God never makes light of our suffering...EVER! If we can envelope His spirit in every facet of our lives, the pain is seen differently...continue on dear soul in laying burdens down at the foot of the Cross! We are not built to be the bearer of our burdens!
Oh God, teach us to dwell continually in the shadow of The Almighty! A paradox exists before my eyes, in which my soul is so barren, yet a well that overflows..the words arise, sentences keep forming..I am so impassioned by this weakness, and the parallels that are present, and furthermore emboldened to share with others! Within this heart's cry, teach me to look to You above all else! May I crave nothing but the favor of Your face, Your presence before me, around me and in me! I will walk in the power of Your presence, I will declare Your promises over my soul and that of others! I will not look to the state of another's existence and ask "Why not them?" For I know you are doing the unimaginable in my life, and I will claim this as long as you give me breath! Take us from the temporal into the supernatural Oh Lord..that fear would be far from us, as you bring us into a deeper understanding of Your Holy Spirit!!! May we live in the expectancy of Your return Eternal Father! May we live for Your glory, and that alone.
Monday, July 4, 2011
Just Beat It
The rhythm, nature unrelenting... in how it crept into my veins, pushing my body to greater limits, making every bead of sweat drip with purpose; however mind's eye was impacted with an implosion of reverential awe. Dark light filled the room of sweaty bodies, pulses beating, each to their own accord... and then within the midst of ear-deafening music, I began to realize that my spirit quaked in a new way, and I questioned and studied this..I took notice of the lyrics, nausea filled my being as I was saddened by the ignorance that so easily causes discord within my own life.
It has been second nature to simply groove to the beat, to the rhythm of whatever is pumping around me, yet I have begun to notice the nature of the lyrics, void of rhythmical value. It amazes me how powerful the words are, yet lacking in substance and worth...I begin to think about today's youth, and all the influences that surround...Lady Gaga seems to be more illustrious than Jesus...a backwards world needs to be turned around again...it begins with
a voice of change, a voice of true purpose and passion!
It has been second nature to simply groove to the beat, to the rhythm of whatever is pumping around me, yet I have begun to notice the nature of the lyrics, void of rhythmical value. It amazes me how powerful the words are, yet lacking in substance and worth...I begin to think about today's youth, and all the influences that surround...Lady Gaga seems to be more illustrious than Jesus...a backwards world needs to be turned around again...it begins with
a voice of change, a voice of true purpose and passion!
Sunday, June 12, 2011
A Soul Apprehended
Times of recent have proven my weakness, and absolute need for a holy God who desperately loves His children. I have been overcome by emotions of depth and torment, that have arrested every cell in my natural existence. My spritual man is alive, hungering for more of that which is not of this world. To experience the realm of this is raw, humbling, and troubling. I call out for restraint, yet I hear silence, I know nothing except the pain of realms undivided. As I read of the pains of our history, those comprised of philosophers, artists, and theologians, I am comforted....for from the depths of my spirit, arises hope again..I can see it, small, in the shadows..yet, it is there. These men rose above the calamities of the spirit, soul and body, and produced great works of writing, that God has used to grace this lonely and broken soul. Our feelings cannot dictate anything about our present or future state. If feelings were in dictatorship, would our King die a lonely death upon the Cross? I think not...He died because of a higher calling..He knew that the desperation of His natural man, would save us from the death of our natural man, in that, the redemption of our souls would move us into the presence of our spiritual man. We have freedom from this present darkness, if choices are made to surrender our earthen vessel.
I am captured, in particular, by C.S. Lewis...a man of brilliance and integrity, seized by the reality of the universal pain of our existence..."God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pains...it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Think upon this, and stand in awe...not of a man who apprehended the American world by his great works, but of a man who was apprehended by a God who suffered the greatest pain imaginable..all for us, all for our redemption. Unto Him be glory and honor forever and ever..Amen!
I am captured, in particular, by C.S. Lewis...a man of brilliance and integrity, seized by the reality of the universal pain of our existence..."God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pains...it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Think upon this, and stand in awe...not of a man who apprehended the American world by his great works, but of a man who was apprehended by a God who suffered the greatest pain imaginable..all for us, all for our redemption. Unto Him be glory and honor forever and ever..Amen!
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