To whom it may concern...I am currently working on a book--a big project i realize, however it is something I have been desirous of pursuing and completing for some time now--i am considering the title Bipolar, Alcoholism, and Jesus---one can rightly assume the content matter.
I'm basically writing a memoir, and I will place heavy emphasis on the last ten years of my life, and my struggles with Bipolar and Alcholism--Jesus has been my sustenance through it all. This is a huge project, so that will explain the naked blog--new blogs, that is! I plan on entering some here and there, but not to the extent they have been displayed. I love you all, and would appreciate the luck and prayers as I take on this large and exciting project!!
Monday, December 8, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Dancing rhythm
Step by step, heart pumping in unusal melodic pattern..
Sweat beads draining down her face, salt--stinging her eyes,
Fuck, blurred vision..cannot see.
She makes her way up the mountainside,
Remembering to not lose sight of those boots in front of her-
And to never look up.
She draws a beautiful parallel between her job and the "fire in her mind."
Falling down and getting back up is all she knows.
Fucked up, yet thoughts of color flower deeply, sinking deep.
Insanity outside prevails, yet she feels the enigma of peace--
Her mind..quiet for once.
She knows if she were to remain prostrate,
The fight would end.
An inner madness fuels the fire within her, gets her up the hill.
This mind won't win the war, the hill won't kick her ass.
The victory is yours Oh Lord!
This battle has already been won..
She has reached the top, refreshing air and smoke in one--
The best of both worlds, unscathed, she continues.
Sweat beads draining down her face, salt--stinging her eyes,
Fuck, blurred vision..cannot see.
She makes her way up the mountainside,
Remembering to not lose sight of those boots in front of her-
And to never look up.
She draws a beautiful parallel between her job and the "fire in her mind."
Falling down and getting back up is all she knows.
Fucked up, yet thoughts of color flower deeply, sinking deep.
Insanity outside prevails, yet she feels the enigma of peace--
Her mind..quiet for once.
She knows if she were to remain prostrate,
The fight would end.
An inner madness fuels the fire within her, gets her up the hill.
This mind won't win the war, the hill won't kick her ass.
The victory is yours Oh Lord!
This battle has already been won..
She has reached the top, refreshing air and smoke in one--
The best of both worlds, unscathed, she continues.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
You
The enigmatic way of you,
Causes one to wonder, what is your mystery?
What lies therewithin?
Broken speech, no word, no loss...
At least that is how I try to convince myself,
Of your absence and silence.
At times it feels as if my heart is extracted..
From my being.
Step on it, will you?
To end how I feel,
The feeling that my heart beats only for you.
Causes one to wonder, what is your mystery?
What lies therewithin?
Broken speech, no word, no loss...
At least that is how I try to convince myself,
Of your absence and silence.
At times it feels as if my heart is extracted..
From my being.
Step on it, will you?
To end how I feel,
The feeling that my heart beats only for you.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
AA extravaganza
So last night, I went to my first AA extravaganza of the year..a bit of halloween costume party fun..I was really wondering if I wanted to go because initially the idea didn't run blood pumping through my veins like some social events do, especially music shows..anyhoo, I decided to get outside of my bubble of periodic isolation, and GO! And I am so happy that I did decide to go, as I had loads of fun kickin' up my heels on the dance floor, and making people laugh--always a great time!
I didn't have a lot of time to come up with a costume, so my roommate rummaged up some items, which I thought would make for a punk hickabilly chic, or a modified raggedy ann--haha--at this time, I wish that I had a digital camera, so you all could see the end product! I had a flashy red wig, that was actually really cute, fake HUGE eyelashes, a decent amount of makeup, overalls, western-style shirt, arguile socks and boots--bright colors is always the key, and I definitely stood out like a sore thumb.
Cheers to AA fun, and I had such a wonderful time drinking my soda, and kickin' up my heels :)
What are your plans for Halloween fun?
I didn't have a lot of time to come up with a costume, so my roommate rummaged up some items, which I thought would make for a punk hickabilly chic, or a modified raggedy ann--haha--at this time, I wish that I had a digital camera, so you all could see the end product! I had a flashy red wig, that was actually really cute, fake HUGE eyelashes, a decent amount of makeup, overalls, western-style shirt, arguile socks and boots--bright colors is always the key, and I definitely stood out like a sore thumb.
Cheers to AA fun, and I had such a wonderful time drinking my soda, and kickin' up my heels :)
What are your plans for Halloween fun?
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Here's what's up
I thought that I would write a blog of a lighter nature, as most of mine are pretty frickin' intense, and that's ok because that embodies me; however, it's nice to venture away for a moment, and be not-so-intense. Light is nice, literally and figuratively.
I am sitting here at my computer, quite obviously, writing to the jury of inquiry, and listening to some hard core Christian music..not quite sure who they are, but the music arises from my new ipod, which I am so stoked to have..what a difference it makes in so many ways, like at the gym, worship music, and just whatever..a bit of a splurge I admit, but fully worth it!
Mike Mosher, friend and educator of stellar music, I was just listening to mewithoutyou..boy are they great, so thank you for introducing me to them :) Now Johnny Cash rings true and darkness avails..in the song anyhow--"like a bridge over troubled water." Love that song.
Anyhoo, decided to not take on more of the world, with the addition of a class in the hopes of the completion of my bachelor's degree..the idea was really cool and challenging, but I decided I am taking enough on at present. I always have to remind myself that when I am feeling like superwoman, the next day I could feel like her evil distant cousin--honestly this is precisely how lovely Bipolar has been displaying itself in my life, however I have to admit, things have been much better since being on the new medication..immensely, and for that I am a grateful woman! It's just plain hard to adjust to anything new, especially bipolar meds. I am ok with this decision, and I know the time will arrive when I can really put the smarts to work..for now, I am quite happy reading books about Einstein, Joan of Arc, William Wilberforce, and a few others..and lots of writing..trying to put more and more on this site. I am so thankful for the gift of creative thought and written word..to all my lovely blog friends..keep rockin' and exercising the intelligence with which you all have been gifted :)
I am sitting here at my computer, quite obviously, writing to the jury of inquiry, and listening to some hard core Christian music..not quite sure who they are, but the music arises from my new ipod, which I am so stoked to have..what a difference it makes in so many ways, like at the gym, worship music, and just whatever..a bit of a splurge I admit, but fully worth it!
Mike Mosher, friend and educator of stellar music, I was just listening to mewithoutyou..boy are they great, so thank you for introducing me to them :) Now Johnny Cash rings true and darkness avails..in the song anyhow--"like a bridge over troubled water." Love that song.
Anyhoo, decided to not take on more of the world, with the addition of a class in the hopes of the completion of my bachelor's degree..the idea was really cool and challenging, but I decided I am taking enough on at present. I always have to remind myself that when I am feeling like superwoman, the next day I could feel like her evil distant cousin--honestly this is precisely how lovely Bipolar has been displaying itself in my life, however I have to admit, things have been much better since being on the new medication..immensely, and for that I am a grateful woman! It's just plain hard to adjust to anything new, especially bipolar meds. I am ok with this decision, and I know the time will arrive when I can really put the smarts to work..for now, I am quite happy reading books about Einstein, Joan of Arc, William Wilberforce, and a few others..and lots of writing..trying to put more and more on this site. I am so thankful for the gift of creative thought and written word..to all my lovely blog friends..keep rockin' and exercising the intelligence with which you all have been gifted :)
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Just Do It?
So I think I need a bit of advice for this decision I am about to make, although it is as if it has already been decided! To all my peeps out there, here you go..help me in this :)
Through a very random browsing session on the internet, I encountered a few schools that offer online undergrad and grad programs for virtually everthing one would desire to pursue. I thought to myself, MMM, I wonder what Ashford University has to offer in the area of psychology? I have a love for this area, and Biological Psychology was my major, until I underwent a sever manic episode which resulted in failing out of school, and landed my ass back in Lewy town. Anyhoo, fuuun times actually, well besides the intermittent madness..in reflection of that time, it was actually scary; and for those who know me, you are familiar with the episodic madness.
I clicked on this site and entered my information, thinking nothing of it. I don't even think I was desirous at this venture to pursue the completion of my degree, however before long, I received a phone call from a counselor..holy night, I thought, it's like flies on crap..they seemed to surround me with questions, and possibilites, that seem very tempting.
Harry, is my new counselor through Ashford University, and he really wanted to enroll me in school. Basically, in his understanding, I would be able to complete my schooling in about a year, thanks to the completion of four years of college..that's pretty cool, however I would have to become savvy with the usage of internet and email, which I don' think would be a problem, and I could have my degree, which would be stellar (as you can see, I am hashing this out as I write :)
I would only take one class at a time, which would allow me to escape the state of overwhelm. The classes look really cool, and bring me to salivation, as I love to learn and increase dendritic branching. School enhances already-present intelligence, and I am all for that.
So, should I do it? I believe I will be receiving financial aid, so finances shouldn't be a problem, but there is always that tid-bit of fear...will this really work out? I would only be taking one course at a time, which would last five weeks. My only concern is if Socal blows up and we get to go on our last fire tour, which I need..for my sanity and pocketbook. Sounds pretty rad, let me know my friends!
Through a very random browsing session on the internet, I encountered a few schools that offer online undergrad and grad programs for virtually everthing one would desire to pursue. I thought to myself, MMM, I wonder what Ashford University has to offer in the area of psychology? I have a love for this area, and Biological Psychology was my major, until I underwent a sever manic episode which resulted in failing out of school, and landed my ass back in Lewy town. Anyhoo, fuuun times actually, well besides the intermittent madness..in reflection of that time, it was actually scary; and for those who know me, you are familiar with the episodic madness.
I clicked on this site and entered my information, thinking nothing of it. I don't even think I was desirous at this venture to pursue the completion of my degree, however before long, I received a phone call from a counselor..holy night, I thought, it's like flies on crap..they seemed to surround me with questions, and possibilites, that seem very tempting.
Harry, is my new counselor through Ashford University, and he really wanted to enroll me in school. Basically, in his understanding, I would be able to complete my schooling in about a year, thanks to the completion of four years of college..that's pretty cool, however I would have to become savvy with the usage of internet and email, which I don' think would be a problem, and I could have my degree, which would be stellar (as you can see, I am hashing this out as I write :)
I would only take one class at a time, which would allow me to escape the state of overwhelm. The classes look really cool, and bring me to salivation, as I love to learn and increase dendritic branching. School enhances already-present intelligence, and I am all for that.
So, should I do it? I believe I will be receiving financial aid, so finances shouldn't be a problem, but there is always that tid-bit of fear...will this really work out? I would only be taking one course at a time, which would last five weeks. My only concern is if Socal blows up and we get to go on our last fire tour, which I need..for my sanity and pocketbook. Sounds pretty rad, let me know my friends!
Sunday, October 12, 2008
Uprising
I lit the candle in the hours of the am to signify the dawining of a new existence.
I, Deidre Ater, a child of God and the risen Savior, am slowly learning to live a "bright" life in the midst of a disease called Bipolar Disorder. I am choosing to live a sober existence.
Throughout the last ten years, mixing medication, alcohol, and men, was how I coped. I was continually escaping from myself, though often the thoughts told me I wasn't..the many voices. I always loved fanatical rollercoaster rides, metaphorically and literally. Now, I want to remain in the literal.
Today, I would rather be on the ground, most of the time. My body and mind have grown weary from the viscious storm that has enslaved my life. I knew the sporadic consumption and obsession with alcohol and men was eating me away, life, teeth on flesh (sorry, graphic, yet true).
This obsession tainted my extreme love and devotion for the Lord, and the God-given beauty..it fueled my disease. I wanted, for so long, to just have a quiet mind, to escape the voices running like wildfire through my brain, the core of my being.
Hopelessness simply finds a door and walks in, when the evils of side effects, and the "whatever" thoughts pervade, in relentless pursuit.
I am thankful, truly for all of me, in this moment I share in the cold basement and my shivering body..writing must be done, always! God is giving me the strength, the knowledge of how to breath again. He alone is my all, my grace, and my peace! I will not be defeated, this battle will be won.
I, Deidre Ater, a child of God and the risen Savior, am slowly learning to live a "bright" life in the midst of a disease called Bipolar Disorder. I am choosing to live a sober existence.
Throughout the last ten years, mixing medication, alcohol, and men, was how I coped. I was continually escaping from myself, though often the thoughts told me I wasn't..the many voices. I always loved fanatical rollercoaster rides, metaphorically and literally. Now, I want to remain in the literal.
Today, I would rather be on the ground, most of the time. My body and mind have grown weary from the viscious storm that has enslaved my life. I knew the sporadic consumption and obsession with alcohol and men was eating me away, life, teeth on flesh (sorry, graphic, yet true).
This obsession tainted my extreme love and devotion for the Lord, and the God-given beauty..it fueled my disease. I wanted, for so long, to just have a quiet mind, to escape the voices running like wildfire through my brain, the core of my being.
Hopelessness simply finds a door and walks in, when the evils of side effects, and the "whatever" thoughts pervade, in relentless pursuit.
I am thankful, truly for all of me, in this moment I share in the cold basement and my shivering body..writing must be done, always! God is giving me the strength, the knowledge of how to breath again. He alone is my all, my grace, and my peace! I will not be defeated, this battle will be won.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
A Nation's Desperation
I become overwhelmed quite often ,soft tears fill my eyes, blurry my vision. Passion fills my being, and I think it has nowhere to go, but to flow out of me.
Brennan Manning's book has touched me in so many ways, and reignited my fire for knowing and following Jesus. I want my fire for God to be made real by the fires that I have fought within my own mind, and on the ground. I don't want to live among the daises, mini-skirts or perfumed hair. I want to walk among lands torched by fire, to see and feel pain, sweat and bleed, for that which I hold true. It is only through remaining humble that we grow, that we can identify with Christ's pain. We should be a people who live in reckless abandonment to the power of the gospel, to live out the reality of Christ's sacrifice upon the cross.
Oh Lord, light the fires in our hearts again! That we be a people unabashedly commited to following You! That we would speak with a boldness and confidence that veers from normalcy, by the strength of your Spirit! Open our eyes to the pain of this world, those who have been deemed unlovely, that your love would seep from every pore on our being, your love would circulate through every vein in our body. Please Lord, increase our disgust for this world, but I beg of you, that we would know how to be in it, yet set apart.
My heart breaks for those who don't know You, who want nothing to do with You. Father, show Your love and Your power! Diminish the pre-conceived thought that you are a God of legality, strict doctrinal adherence to religiosity. You are so loving, so simple, so tender and relentless in your pursuit of our hearts.
We are a nation in desperate need of a Savior, a nation bloated with materialism and self-righteousness; a nation void of altruism, starved of moral maturity, and in need of a spiritual hunger..Jesus Christ.
Brennan Manning's book has touched me in so many ways, and reignited my fire for knowing and following Jesus. I want my fire for God to be made real by the fires that I have fought within my own mind, and on the ground. I don't want to live among the daises, mini-skirts or perfumed hair. I want to walk among lands torched by fire, to see and feel pain, sweat and bleed, for that which I hold true. It is only through remaining humble that we grow, that we can identify with Christ's pain. We should be a people who live in reckless abandonment to the power of the gospel, to live out the reality of Christ's sacrifice upon the cross.
Oh Lord, light the fires in our hearts again! That we be a people unabashedly commited to following You! That we would speak with a boldness and confidence that veers from normalcy, by the strength of your Spirit! Open our eyes to the pain of this world, those who have been deemed unlovely, that your love would seep from every pore on our being, your love would circulate through every vein in our body. Please Lord, increase our disgust for this world, but I beg of you, that we would know how to be in it, yet set apart.
My heart breaks for those who don't know You, who want nothing to do with You. Father, show Your love and Your power! Diminish the pre-conceived thought that you are a God of legality, strict doctrinal adherence to religiosity. You are so loving, so simple, so tender and relentless in your pursuit of our hearts.
We are a nation in desperate need of a Savior, a nation bloated with materialism and self-righteousness; a nation void of altruism, starved of moral maturity, and in need of a spiritual hunger..Jesus Christ.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
4 AM
It's 4am, and I can't sleep. Gotta be quiet and not make a peep.
Glossy stares across the room, my eyes look tired as I stare back through the mirror..
My head tells me that I am ready to be awake,
For I cannot quiet the conversations, analyzations, and questionings.
The chatter is mostly positive, although quite scattered in subject matter..entirely..
From memories of Bellingham mania, to stupid dudes of attraction, to God, crazy fires, boy you name it, it's there, swirling around in my brain.
I have to say that I am thankful for the creative and strange brain of mine, for it is what I have, and even if I wanted to change that, I couldn't..
So, I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety.
I'm assuming my inability to sleep throughout the night is a side effect from my new Bipolar meds..as I recently read that in stark black letters, "difficulty sleeping", among many other lovely side effects. Thankfully, at this juncture, I am not experiencing many other side effects, and hopefully this will continue.
Yes, I finally brought my ass to a psychiatrist, cause I figured, well gee, I do have Bipolar and it has been "untreated" for some time. The quotes reflect the whole drinking thing I did so well..that was my treatment of time's past, and so now that is nil, and I am left with the raw, the scathed, the stark and colored nature of my insane mind. It's all good, because I am truly at a point where I want to live my life and live within myself. I don't want to escape from myself anymore, and this is amazing. Reflections on the past have proven to be countless times of escaping, and covering shit up. No more, no thanks.
So I am praying for the effectiveness of Lamictal in my system, as are others, and today, I am not afraid. The "med wall" has fallen and I am willing to begin dealing with Bipolar in the right way. The moods were too intense and closer together. No thanks, party's over folks! Hopefully someone reading this enjoys the rambling :)
Glossy stares across the room, my eyes look tired as I stare back through the mirror..
My head tells me that I am ready to be awake,
For I cannot quiet the conversations, analyzations, and questionings.
The chatter is mostly positive, although quite scattered in subject matter..entirely..
From memories of Bellingham mania, to stupid dudes of attraction, to God, crazy fires, boy you name it, it's there, swirling around in my brain.
I have to say that I am thankful for the creative and strange brain of mine, for it is what I have, and even if I wanted to change that, I couldn't..
So, I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety.
I'm assuming my inability to sleep throughout the night is a side effect from my new Bipolar meds..as I recently read that in stark black letters, "difficulty sleeping", among many other lovely side effects. Thankfully, at this juncture, I am not experiencing many other side effects, and hopefully this will continue.
Yes, I finally brought my ass to a psychiatrist, cause I figured, well gee, I do have Bipolar and it has been "untreated" for some time. The quotes reflect the whole drinking thing I did so well..that was my treatment of time's past, and so now that is nil, and I am left with the raw, the scathed, the stark and colored nature of my insane mind. It's all good, because I am truly at a point where I want to live my life and live within myself. I don't want to escape from myself anymore, and this is amazing. Reflections on the past have proven to be countless times of escaping, and covering shit up. No more, no thanks.
So I am praying for the effectiveness of Lamictal in my system, as are others, and today, I am not afraid. The "med wall" has fallen and I am willing to begin dealing with Bipolar in the right way. The moods were too intense and closer together. No thanks, party's over folks! Hopefully someone reading this enjoys the rambling :)
Tuesday, September 9, 2008
Broken
Oh Lord, may we experience the depth of our depravity..that this realization bring us to the foot of the cross. That we fully know the only redemption in this world, in our souls, is found in Jesus Christ.
We live in days that are scarred by untruth, colored in "beautiful" deception, souls searching for that which will fulfill, that which wil satisfy the flesh. High and low we search in desperation for the next fix. How do we escape from the fear of ourselves?
I have searched all the avenues of worldly affairs, even knowing the truth, yet so deep in the power of sexual and alcoholic seduction. It sucked me under, until I couldn't breathe. I lost my mind, again.
November 19th, 2007, I experienced the absolute horror and intensity of my disorder, the shrilling effects of chemical addiction. Monsters screaming in my head, God's truth ringing in my heart. The effort to find and maintain a sane thought process was nowhere to be found. I knew in this dark moment, under the rain, hands clenching the steering wheel, that I was at the end. I desperately wanted freedom, but this freedom was death. I didn't want to be alive, yet I knew that I did. The Spirit of God led me to the footsteps of my pastor's home. Battered, broken and helpless...I sunk into the arms of safety, a refuge from the storm. This was the beginning of new life, the beginning of freedom.
We live in days that are scarred by untruth, colored in "beautiful" deception, souls searching for that which will fulfill, that which wil satisfy the flesh. High and low we search in desperation for the next fix. How do we escape from the fear of ourselves?
I have searched all the avenues of worldly affairs, even knowing the truth, yet so deep in the power of sexual and alcoholic seduction. It sucked me under, until I couldn't breathe. I lost my mind, again.
November 19th, 2007, I experienced the absolute horror and intensity of my disorder, the shrilling effects of chemical addiction. Monsters screaming in my head, God's truth ringing in my heart. The effort to find and maintain a sane thought process was nowhere to be found. I knew in this dark moment, under the rain, hands clenching the steering wheel, that I was at the end. I desperately wanted freedom, but this freedom was death. I didn't want to be alive, yet I knew that I did. The Spirit of God led me to the footsteps of my pastor's home. Battered, broken and helpless...I sunk into the arms of safety, a refuge from the storm. This was the beginning of new life, the beginning of freedom.
Friday, September 5, 2008
Growing Pains
Yes growing pains..indeed when in a physical form they are an annoyance, but these growing pains I speak of ,are those that involve the mind, spirit, and emotions.
I am proud of myself right now as I battled with the intensity of my emotions this evening without drinking or slamming a bat through my car door--which by the way, was a temptation. I am finding I have a great deal of rage as I am working through this program of recovery..alcoholic recovery.
Today was actually a great day, beginning at the wee hours of 420..yeah, totally unplanned, however, as my eyes opened I was initially thinking, "what a royal pain in the ass!" I just want to get some dam sleep! After I conquered this thought, I tried to do the next best thing with myself, and the flood of thoughts swirling around in my brain like acid in the tummy. I decided this was a perfect time to spend on my knees, communing with the Lord. As is often the case, I am awakened by obsessive thoughts of some design, namely a dude. I went on a tour with my old handcrew and this guy happens to be really cool, and hot..so, test number 9000..God is asking me, what are you gonna do with this one? Deep breathe, ahhhhhhhhhh..I surrender my emotions and true honest feelings, and I pray, a lot. After this, I delve into the Word, and make God's promises my own. I am so grateful that I have a strong commitment and love for the Lord..and He is renewing this love BIG TIME!!
I spent most of the day without a headache, and a heart and mind that was truly at peace...the day progressed, and unfortunately, my lovely headache returned (seems to be a part of my identity these days) anyhoo, I tried to keep my sanity, but an engine drive that subtracted some days from my life, and the swirling thoughts and emotions, seemed to get the best of me..dammit !
I went to a friend's house for dinner, which was lovely, but I couldn't escape the loveliness of this fellow..the typical analytical woman thoughts..why didn't he call, blah blah blah..so I texted and shed my skin..completely admitted I had the hots for this guy, and I am now thankful that I did, because now there is peace. He replied and said it would not be a good idea in the least to mix business with pleasure---what a guy--I leveled back down to reality, especially after my aa meeting, and realized, he is so right. He replied by saying, "We are still friends? And then, exchange of humor took place, and I feel so much better..thank you Lord for resolve..booyah..God is good, I am alive, and I am still sober.
I am proud of myself right now as I battled with the intensity of my emotions this evening without drinking or slamming a bat through my car door--which by the way, was a temptation. I am finding I have a great deal of rage as I am working through this program of recovery..alcoholic recovery.
Today was actually a great day, beginning at the wee hours of 420..yeah, totally unplanned, however, as my eyes opened I was initially thinking, "what a royal pain in the ass!" I just want to get some dam sleep! After I conquered this thought, I tried to do the next best thing with myself, and the flood of thoughts swirling around in my brain like acid in the tummy. I decided this was a perfect time to spend on my knees, communing with the Lord. As is often the case, I am awakened by obsessive thoughts of some design, namely a dude. I went on a tour with my old handcrew and this guy happens to be really cool, and hot..so, test number 9000..God is asking me, what are you gonna do with this one? Deep breathe, ahhhhhhhhhh..I surrender my emotions and true honest feelings, and I pray, a lot. After this, I delve into the Word, and make God's promises my own. I am so grateful that I have a strong commitment and love for the Lord..and He is renewing this love BIG TIME!!
I spent most of the day without a headache, and a heart and mind that was truly at peace...the day progressed, and unfortunately, my lovely headache returned (seems to be a part of my identity these days) anyhoo, I tried to keep my sanity, but an engine drive that subtracted some days from my life, and the swirling thoughts and emotions, seemed to get the best of me..dammit !
I went to a friend's house for dinner, which was lovely, but I couldn't escape the loveliness of this fellow..the typical analytical woman thoughts..why didn't he call, blah blah blah..so I texted and shed my skin..completely admitted I had the hots for this guy, and I am now thankful that I did, because now there is peace. He replied and said it would not be a good idea in the least to mix business with pleasure---what a guy--I leveled back down to reality, especially after my aa meeting, and realized, he is so right. He replied by saying, "We are still friends? And then, exchange of humor took place, and I feel so much better..thank you Lord for resolve..booyah..God is good, I am alive, and I am still sober.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Emergence
Within my heart and mind, there is a continuous struggle for the life of Christ to forever reign in this mortal being, and a struggle to do that which satisfies the annoyance of the flesh. It is a true challenge to balance the two..I am finding..humbling.
These last days and weeks have been a quite a rollercoaster ride in regards to the entirety of my being. I have fought for my sanity, I have fought for the right to choose life. This sounds heavy, and perhaps that is exactly what it is, yet this is reality.
I am living life through being raw. I am learning to deal with Bipolar and all of it's life and death, without picking up a drink or a drug, and for this, I am so grateful; however sometimes I hate it.
I have endured chronic and mental pain for some time now, and I am learning to breathe through it all..to be so thankful to my loving King who forever reigns in this being.
More than ever I have asked Jesus to be Lord of my life..in everything!! I am a desperate human without the light of His life, the strength of His life, flowing through my veins. These past days have been wonderful..I have sought the Lord...desperately. Oh Lord, that your life and your light would forever reign in and throughout me. That the power of Your word change my mind and my heart..chemically, spiritually. I am learning to live a life of spiritual discipline, because this is my vision, this is my lifeline.
I have great hope and vision this present moment. My heart aches for the lost, calls out for the enlightenment of those caught in an empty and fruitless world. I choose to live this moment, enjoying this computer, the music and melody of Dashboard Confessional, and a heart which aches to remain close to my King of Kings and Lord of lords.. I am His, and He is mine. He holds me in His hands when the angst of my soul is too much to bear.
May we be a people of vision, and hope.. a people who are guided by Christ Jesus, and empowered by His love. Let us grow in this love, the only hope for a depravity-stricken world.
These last days and weeks have been a quite a rollercoaster ride in regards to the entirety of my being. I have fought for my sanity, I have fought for the right to choose life. This sounds heavy, and perhaps that is exactly what it is, yet this is reality.
I am living life through being raw. I am learning to deal with Bipolar and all of it's life and death, without picking up a drink or a drug, and for this, I am so grateful; however sometimes I hate it.
I have endured chronic and mental pain for some time now, and I am learning to breathe through it all..to be so thankful to my loving King who forever reigns in this being.
More than ever I have asked Jesus to be Lord of my life..in everything!! I am a desperate human without the light of His life, the strength of His life, flowing through my veins. These past days have been wonderful..I have sought the Lord...desperately. Oh Lord, that your life and your light would forever reign in and throughout me. That the power of Your word change my mind and my heart..chemically, spiritually. I am learning to live a life of spiritual discipline, because this is my vision, this is my lifeline.
I have great hope and vision this present moment. My heart aches for the lost, calls out for the enlightenment of those caught in an empty and fruitless world. I choose to live this moment, enjoying this computer, the music and melody of Dashboard Confessional, and a heart which aches to remain close to my King of Kings and Lord of lords.. I am His, and He is mine. He holds me in His hands when the angst of my soul is too much to bear.
May we be a people of vision, and hope.. a people who are guided by Christ Jesus, and empowered by His love. Let us grow in this love, the only hope for a depravity-stricken world.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
The Struggle
I am finding as I struggle within my flesh, yet call out for the Spirit..
That true discipline is required of one who wants to walk in the light,
And be freed from the past.
It is interesting how, before me, to the left and to the right..
There are are a plethora of temptations..
How I allow my mind to escape into the abyss of lust and desire..AHHH
The war begins and ends in the mind.
I am slowly learning to divert my thoughts towards purity..
To run from the darkness, to stand for the truth, to try and control my incessant desires for sex,
To be imbued by the life of the Spirit, when surrounded by carnal desires.
Who shall stand for truth within this world's depravity?
The loss of moral fortitude.
Oh Lord, turn us from our evil ways,
That those who know Your truth, would be strong in standing by and for the truth..
That the sinful hearts of man be enlightened, empowered, and forever changed!
That true discipline is required of one who wants to walk in the light,
And be freed from the past.
It is interesting how, before me, to the left and to the right..
There are are a plethora of temptations..
How I allow my mind to escape into the abyss of lust and desire..AHHH
The war begins and ends in the mind.
I am slowly learning to divert my thoughts towards purity..
To run from the darkness, to stand for the truth, to try and control my incessant desires for sex,
To be imbued by the life of the Spirit, when surrounded by carnal desires.
Who shall stand for truth within this world's depravity?
The loss of moral fortitude.
Oh Lord, turn us from our evil ways,
That those who know Your truth, would be strong in standing by and for the truth..
That the sinful hearts of man be enlightened, empowered, and forever changed!
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Thy will, not mine
So today has been an interesting day, as I had the day off, and accomplished many things that I had to complete, however the day was filled with a few disappointments that threw my moods for interesting loops.
I was under the impression that our engine was not going to go off forest until the latter part of this week, but such was not the case. Our engine was called to the Plumas National Forest, and because I was not working today, I got left behind...it's just simply the luck of the draw, and I have to deal with this..easier said than done, as the word brought me to tears.
I was so excited to go out on another tour, and then wam..it was if a large-sized board hit me in the face.
I had a myriad of emotions, thoughts and moods wash over me, and I knew it was up to what I did with my thoughts...do I surrender my will, or not? I must see this as a part of God's wonderful plan..and simply take refuge in that truth, but holy night is that hard..especially when life recently has been a rollercoaster...gee, the money would have been nice, as my car decided to kerplop on me, and now I am in the process of car shopping. Anyhoo, the complaintes could continue, and I could continue in my sob story.
I am choosing not to remain in this mire of self-pity, and surrender my will unto God's will. Tonight, as I was watching the stars in the sky and praying...I know the Lord was saying, "Thy will, not yours." God's plan in this is so much greater than I can ever imagine, and I must hold onto this, for my sanity.
I am tired, and the days will continue, and something good will come of this..this is only a test in the submission of my will unto my loving King. He knows best.
I was under the impression that our engine was not going to go off forest until the latter part of this week, but such was not the case. Our engine was called to the Plumas National Forest, and because I was not working today, I got left behind...it's just simply the luck of the draw, and I have to deal with this..easier said than done, as the word brought me to tears.
I was so excited to go out on another tour, and then wam..it was if a large-sized board hit me in the face.
I had a myriad of emotions, thoughts and moods wash over me, and I knew it was up to what I did with my thoughts...do I surrender my will, or not? I must see this as a part of God's wonderful plan..and simply take refuge in that truth, but holy night is that hard..especially when life recently has been a rollercoaster...gee, the money would have been nice, as my car decided to kerplop on me, and now I am in the process of car shopping. Anyhoo, the complaintes could continue, and I could continue in my sob story.
I am choosing not to remain in this mire of self-pity, and surrender my will unto God's will. Tonight, as I was watching the stars in the sky and praying...I know the Lord was saying, "Thy will, not yours." God's plan in this is so much greater than I can ever imagine, and I must hold onto this, for my sanity.
I am tired, and the days will continue, and something good will come of this..this is only a test in the submission of my will unto my loving King. He knows best.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Silent Monsters
It wasn't enough to read the promises in Your Word, to hear praise songs..they did not
comfort my lonely soul.
I sat on the couch, alone in the house and the silence was loud, almost deafening, and it was almost too much for my soul to bear.
I decided the best thing to do was to go my room and unleash, to weep, just let it all out.
I told God how alone I felt, how I really just wanted someone there with me, a man.
I wanted someone in that moment to hold me, to tell me how beautiful I looked in my
disheveled moments, to embrace me in his strong arms. I have never had this comfort, and this
is frankly really fucking hard sometimes!
I am totally premenstrual right now, but nonetheless these feelings are real, and, for the first time in my life, this day, I am choosing not to drink over this bitter loneliness my soul
is experiencing.
I have hope this too, shall pass, and the Lord has great things in store for my life.
He is building strength within me that will move mountains, wisdom that will affect many peoples, joy that will infect the nations. This is my journey, this is my vision.
These tears are momentary, this life is temporal, the pain is producing fruits that last for eternity.
In closing, the monsters will go away, and I, will live another day, in sobriety.
comfort my lonely soul.
I sat on the couch, alone in the house and the silence was loud, almost deafening, and it was almost too much for my soul to bear.
I decided the best thing to do was to go my room and unleash, to weep, just let it all out.
I told God how alone I felt, how I really just wanted someone there with me, a man.
I wanted someone in that moment to hold me, to tell me how beautiful I looked in my
disheveled moments, to embrace me in his strong arms. I have never had this comfort, and this
is frankly really fucking hard sometimes!
I am totally premenstrual right now, but nonetheless these feelings are real, and, for the first time in my life, this day, I am choosing not to drink over this bitter loneliness my soul
is experiencing.
I have hope this too, shall pass, and the Lord has great things in store for my life.
He is building strength within me that will move mountains, wisdom that will affect many peoples, joy that will infect the nations. This is my journey, this is my vision.
These tears are momentary, this life is temporal, the pain is producing fruits that last for eternity.
In closing, the monsters will go away, and I, will live another day, in sobriety.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Release
One should not be forgiven for passions unleashed,
Words spoken or written expressing intrigue, true feelings..
That which lies deep in the soul of a man should not be hidden.
We are a people who fear reckeless abandonment, who fear
Vulnerability because the risk of rejection remains a constant;
However, the bottling up of recurring passionate and raw truths
Often cause an explosion.
I do not fear the unleashing of passion to cause another to run the other way, although my Dreams remain in the person running into my arms..
In gratefulness for the expression of love.
I am fully aware my passions are so strong, the energy with which...
They run like wildfire through my veins sometimes feels like utter insanity!
Let us be a people who live in the freedom of release, the freedom of reckless
Abandonment to our deepest passions, our wildest dreams.
Words spoken or written expressing intrigue, true feelings..
That which lies deep in the soul of a man should not be hidden.
We are a people who fear reckeless abandonment, who fear
Vulnerability because the risk of rejection remains a constant;
However, the bottling up of recurring passionate and raw truths
Often cause an explosion.
I do not fear the unleashing of passion to cause another to run the other way, although my Dreams remain in the person running into my arms..
In gratefulness for the expression of love.
I am fully aware my passions are so strong, the energy with which...
They run like wildfire through my veins sometimes feels like utter insanity!
Let us be a people who live in the freedom of release, the freedom of reckless
Abandonment to our deepest passions, our wildest dreams.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Long Days
So my days have been long, oh so long, as I have been slaving away under the hot California sun...well, most days anyway. Awareness among most, I am assuming is present, as newscasts, radiostations, and newspapers abound with the Northern California Armagaedon.
Yes peoples, California is on fire, and it is all apart of some lightning strikes that began about two weeks prior. Unfortunately, myself and my engine have not been able to take part in the action due to the fact that engines work on a rotation list. There were engines ahead of us that were due to go off forest before us, so they saw the action first hand; although I have to say, the intensity of the fires, and the early summer fire danger, are large watchout situations for further blow-ups, as well as the duration with which these fires will burn.
Although we have not been involved in this Armagaedon, we were prepared for one here in Truckee, as weather predictions here in Truckee warned of dry lightning and there was a bit of panic in the air as resources were low...nothin happened, but darned if we were ready by gosh! We have been working 12 hour days and I am pretty tired and need a day off for shizzle..today is day 10 but I just thinking about that amazing check I will be receiving!!
So, happy fireworks y'all...this girl is hittin' the sack!
Yes peoples, California is on fire, and it is all apart of some lightning strikes that began about two weeks prior. Unfortunately, myself and my engine have not been able to take part in the action due to the fact that engines work on a rotation list. There were engines ahead of us that were due to go off forest before us, so they saw the action first hand; although I have to say, the intensity of the fires, and the early summer fire danger, are large watchout situations for further blow-ups, as well as the duration with which these fires will burn.
Although we have not been involved in this Armagaedon, we were prepared for one here in Truckee, as weather predictions here in Truckee warned of dry lightning and there was a bit of panic in the air as resources were low...nothin happened, but darned if we were ready by gosh! We have been working 12 hour days and I am pretty tired and need a day off for shizzle..today is day 10 but I just thinking about that amazing check I will be receiving!!
So, happy fireworks y'all...this girl is hittin' the sack!
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
Just make it go away
I am really frustrated right now as I feel my eyes convulse, as well as my lips, side effects of the lovely medication I am taking for headaches---chronic headaches I have been suffering from for some time now. I feel very hopeless at this point because I have tried so many avenues... allergists, spiritual healing, copious amounts of prayers, neurologists, healthy eating, chiropractors, naturopathy, accupuncture, ahhhhhhhhhhh, all's I really want to do now is kick and scream and rage, but, what good would that do?
I suppose this is forcing me on my knees...although I admit, all of this makes me bitter towards the Lord, why Lord, oh why can't you make it go away? I have confessed sins, hell, I quit drinking. I think I have cleansed my life. Then, I recently thought about Paul and his thorn in the flesh...maybe that is what is going on in my life. I would ask those of you who read this, that you would keep me in your prayers and thoughts...that God would give me the strength and the hope to remain in this pain, but to have hope for healing, because I have to admit I am quite a pessimist these days, and dammit, my lips won't stop moving..at least they could give me some drugs that would make me feel good---but that wouldn't be good for an addict, now would it? Haha!
I suppose this is forcing me on my knees...although I admit, all of this makes me bitter towards the Lord, why Lord, oh why can't you make it go away? I have confessed sins, hell, I quit drinking. I think I have cleansed my life. Then, I recently thought about Paul and his thorn in the flesh...maybe that is what is going on in my life. I would ask those of you who read this, that you would keep me in your prayers and thoughts...that God would give me the strength and the hope to remain in this pain, but to have hope for healing, because I have to admit I am quite a pessimist these days, and dammit, my lips won't stop moving..at least they could give me some drugs that would make me feel good---but that wouldn't be good for an addict, now would it? Haha!
Friday, June 20, 2008
Save a bag, feed the hungry
A simple conversation with a pharmacist this evening uprooted feelings of disdain for the
American culture, and extreme heartache for the hungry and the homeless. I didn't want a plastic bag for the simple fact I hate to waste, and I knew that bag would have gone to waste. Truth be told, the simplicity of the situation segwayed into global thinking. I quickly remembered a blog I read from my dear friend Charity.
The blog was written in regards to the Haitian people and the seriousness of their poverty and desperation. The wastefulness of Americans is insurmountable, and the ignorance, long-lasting. I am learning to become vigilant in personal lifestyle, that which I buy, that which I use. Awareness is grounded in personal living and speaking out upon these crucial issues.
I wept that night as I drew a visual in my head with people so skinny, so malnourished...one would think, how do they survive? I wept for all those who are hurting, hungry...hungry for food and hungry for a Savior. I pleaded with God that He would restore these people, that He would build within our hearts a growing desire to feed the hungry, to do what it takes to make a change within this world---even if it is through a few words, through our actions.
I prayed that we would become disheartened with our rude acts, our selfish ways...that we would not fear holding the hand of the hurting, embracing the heart of the homeless. That more and more, our hearts would become weary, that our hearts and minds would be content within this weary; because it is through this weariness that a desire for change will arise, and hopefully instituted.
American culture, and extreme heartache for the hungry and the homeless. I didn't want a plastic bag for the simple fact I hate to waste, and I knew that bag would have gone to waste. Truth be told, the simplicity of the situation segwayed into global thinking. I quickly remembered a blog I read from my dear friend Charity.
The blog was written in regards to the Haitian people and the seriousness of their poverty and desperation. The wastefulness of Americans is insurmountable, and the ignorance, long-lasting. I am learning to become vigilant in personal lifestyle, that which I buy, that which I use. Awareness is grounded in personal living and speaking out upon these crucial issues.
I wept that night as I drew a visual in my head with people so skinny, so malnourished...one would think, how do they survive? I wept for all those who are hurting, hungry...hungry for food and hungry for a Savior. I pleaded with God that He would restore these people, that He would build within our hearts a growing desire to feed the hungry, to do what it takes to make a change within this world---even if it is through a few words, through our actions.
I prayed that we would become disheartened with our rude acts, our selfish ways...that we would not fear holding the hand of the hurting, embracing the heart of the homeless. That more and more, our hearts would become weary, that our hearts and minds would be content within this weary; because it is through this weariness that a desire for change will arise, and hopefully instituted.
Sunday, June 8, 2008
Surrender
The credits roll down the screen, as an airy, fresh voice echoes near.
Tears fell like rain upon my face, like one sees rain trickle down a piece of glass,
perhaps a window.
I lay upon the couch, remembering his presence beside me, toucing his hair, enveloping his scent.
I was shifting through many memories.. countless times he made me laugh, the life in his smile,
breathed life into my often downcast and lonely spirit.
Many times we spent working long hours upon firelines, and I could hear the melodic noise
of his chainsaw, the sweat pouring down his face..hoping he would make the right decision.
I know it has been necessary to free him from the recesses of my mind, my soul, but love does
strange things...it doesn't just go away by stark willpower, it doesn't go away in less than a year.
Slowly, I am learning to set him free, to be who he is , and I, to learn who I am. It is truly
heartbreaking when the recipient of this care does not feel with parallel passion; but the only
peace I find is knowing someday my love for another will be reciprocated, and the tears that fall upn my face will be tears of joy, tears of gratitude.
Tears fell like rain upon my face, like one sees rain trickle down a piece of glass,
perhaps a window.
I lay upon the couch, remembering his presence beside me, toucing his hair, enveloping his scent.
I was shifting through many memories.. countless times he made me laugh, the life in his smile,
breathed life into my often downcast and lonely spirit.
Many times we spent working long hours upon firelines, and I could hear the melodic noise
of his chainsaw, the sweat pouring down his face..hoping he would make the right decision.
I know it has been necessary to free him from the recesses of my mind, my soul, but love does
strange things...it doesn't just go away by stark willpower, it doesn't go away in less than a year.
Slowly, I am learning to set him free, to be who he is , and I, to learn who I am. It is truly
heartbreaking when the recipient of this care does not feel with parallel passion; but the only
peace I find is knowing someday my love for another will be reciprocated, and the tears that fall upn my face will be tears of joy, tears of gratitude.
Monday, June 2, 2008
Heart Cry
Today I became almost entrenched in sadness as I listened to the cries from a lady..cries of addiction, drama, interpersonal conflict, and frustration. A large part of this addiction is within the lives of some of the men in which I know, the ones I love. I grow disheartened because I remember when I was in the chains, the darkness of alcoholic addiction, warped thinking due to mental and emotional insanity. I faced the darkness, the cold night, the rain that fell upon my car without surrender. That night, the night I was the lowest, I decided I needed help, and it had to come quickly. Shortly hereafter, I packed up what I needed and headed home...to safety, to embrace a new freedom.
I started going to AA because I knew that was the only way I was going to find out more about my alcohoism, and the way I was going to find a newfound freedom, a serenity, a true peace. I continue to go to these meetings, and the blessings are endless. Today, I am so grateful and happy to live day by day..to surrender myself to the Lord, to ask for grace in the arriving day. Today, I want to live not for myself, but for the lives of others, for my Creator, the Creator of this vast world.
I pray for the freedom of these men in which I work, that their lives would become free...if this takes a rock-bottom experience, so be it, for I truly believe that our lives only find the light when we have become enslaved by the darkness. My heart cries for those lost, fighting for another breath, trying to find resolution in the bottle...the bottle that never ends. There is hope, there is light, and if I might be the only one to shed this light, so be it. There is a God who supplies me with the strength I need to not only help myself, but to help others..with cries, wailings from my heart.
I started going to AA because I knew that was the only way I was going to find out more about my alcohoism, and the way I was going to find a newfound freedom, a serenity, a true peace. I continue to go to these meetings, and the blessings are endless. Today, I am so grateful and happy to live day by day..to surrender myself to the Lord, to ask for grace in the arriving day. Today, I want to live not for myself, but for the lives of others, for my Creator, the Creator of this vast world.
I pray for the freedom of these men in which I work, that their lives would become free...if this takes a rock-bottom experience, so be it, for I truly believe that our lives only find the light when we have become enslaved by the darkness. My heart cries for those lost, fighting for another breath, trying to find resolution in the bottle...the bottle that never ends. There is hope, there is light, and if I might be the only one to shed this light, so be it. There is a God who supplies me with the strength I need to not only help myself, but to help others..with cries, wailings from my heart.
Friday, May 30, 2008
Mmmmm...
What shall I write? Eyes peering upward into the dark sky. Thoughts, subject matter at mind's forefront, yet hidden blinders have removed themselves from peripheral vision, and now..the field is open. Jazzy funk, offered up by the station of notoriety..NPR--one of my favs, I might add! The echoes in the background inspire my head to bob to a melodic beat, as the music inspires these words.
Recent thoughts and interest to expand upon the following matters of importance and intrigue... the demoralization of the American society, and each individual's role in enhancing the production of a moral people; the study and absolute eccentricity of individuals affected by the interrelation of neurotransmitters and human behavior. The simplicity of merely "being" and learning to move through the awkward stages of this act...to find beauty in inhaling and exhaling...strange wonder within this rhythm and natural body function.
I am finding this time in my life is so new and wonderfully strange. I recently celebrated six months of sobriety, and I never imagined I would ever quit dating my "friend" of so many years. I finally am finding innocence and purity in my life...and learning to fully embrace the two virtues, along with an assortment of others. The revolution, an explanation of the human soul in sobriety, will probably be expanded upon as well in future blog entries. For now, my mouth is watering as I think about the Ben and Jerry's so alone in my freezer, and in need of a -mouth..my very own! Ta-ta for now.
Recent thoughts and interest to expand upon the following matters of importance and intrigue... the demoralization of the American society, and each individual's role in enhancing the production of a moral people; the study and absolute eccentricity of individuals affected by the interrelation of neurotransmitters and human behavior. The simplicity of merely "being" and learning to move through the awkward stages of this act...to find beauty in inhaling and exhaling...strange wonder within this rhythm and natural body function.
I am finding this time in my life is so new and wonderfully strange. I recently celebrated six months of sobriety, and I never imagined I would ever quit dating my "friend" of so many years. I finally am finding innocence and purity in my life...and learning to fully embrace the two virtues, along with an assortment of others. The revolution, an explanation of the human soul in sobriety, will probably be expanded upon as well in future blog entries. For now, my mouth is watering as I think about the Ben and Jerry's so alone in my freezer, and in need of a -mouth..my very own! Ta-ta for now.
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Bella
So I just finished viewing the movie "Bella" and what a refreshing movie and great soundtrack I might add. A woman finds herself hopeless and confused in the wake of an unexpected pregnancy, but a handsome, altruistic man accompanies her as she walks through this time. A display of raw human emotion, and the resurrection of the beauty of family is depicted...when soul and body is bankrupt, there is one to come alongside...the care in their eyes, the calling out without speech..the comfort in human touch. Wounds are healed through the love and compassion of others, and when we have the courage to say we cannot do it on our own, there are those who help---and in this simplicity, there is peace, there is a divine beauty. Tears fell from my eyes as I was captured by the innocence, the display of philanthropy, the artistry. Truly, a movie worth viewing!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
My Mind's Eye
I saw you down at the water,
toes barely in, head down...
viewing your reflection I suppose..I don't really know.
Looking from behind, it's only speculation..
Perhaps those hazel eyes were closed, and you weren't
seeing yourself, strangely enough, looking back at you.
I like your pant legs rolled up..
Just barely above ankle's crest..
The gentle breeze as it converses with the hairs upon your head.
The peacefulness of this day sings a song all of its own...
Memories of being close to you, all at mind's forefront---
But I am happy to let you go, to release you all to yourself, to life.
These conversations I have with God will never cease,
About you, your humor, the soft speech upon your lips,
The way you moved me...in a time where soul felt bankrupt.
toes barely in, head down...
viewing your reflection I suppose..I don't really know.
Looking from behind, it's only speculation..
Perhaps those hazel eyes were closed, and you weren't
seeing yourself, strangely enough, looking back at you.
I like your pant legs rolled up..
Just barely above ankle's crest..
The gentle breeze as it converses with the hairs upon your head.
The peacefulness of this day sings a song all of its own...
Memories of being close to you, all at mind's forefront---
But I am happy to let you go, to release you all to yourself, to life.
These conversations I have with God will never cease,
About you, your humor, the soft speech upon your lips,
The way you moved me...in a time where soul felt bankrupt.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
This is the day
Today has been a good day.. a day in which i have breath
A day that the Lord has made..for that i give thanks.
I am convinced I have found no greater peace, strength or hope
than that which is found in Jesus Christ.
I find myself prostrate many times with cries of anguish...
hoping to find release from the suffocation of mental torment, the
depression and mania that play games within the recesses, the depths.
Proclamation from beneath...Oh that you sovereign God, would surrender me
from the very depths of this rage, this questioning, this wailing.
Many times there has been no answer, but that does not mean the existence of God is nil..
For I have to remind myself of the many times in which His divine breath has penetrated
my being, the Promises in His word have become truth...
The Christian life must be based on our knowledge of the truth, not our feelings about the truth.
Praise God that the presence of His word is immutable,
For suppose the Word of God was not immutable..then truth would not be so..
How would the human race find peace? How could stability even be a word?
I love to think upon these things.
Let us rejoice in the gift of breath, the peace of the night
That we would be a people of a philanthropic mindset, grounded in truth..
that which is found in God's holy word.
A day that the Lord has made..for that i give thanks.
I am convinced I have found no greater peace, strength or hope
than that which is found in Jesus Christ.
I find myself prostrate many times with cries of anguish...
hoping to find release from the suffocation of mental torment, the
depression and mania that play games within the recesses, the depths.
Proclamation from beneath...Oh that you sovereign God, would surrender me
from the very depths of this rage, this questioning, this wailing.
Many times there has been no answer, but that does not mean the existence of God is nil..
For I have to remind myself of the many times in which His divine breath has penetrated
my being, the Promises in His word have become truth...
The Christian life must be based on our knowledge of the truth, not our feelings about the truth.
Praise God that the presence of His word is immutable,
For suppose the Word of God was not immutable..then truth would not be so..
How would the human race find peace? How could stability even be a word?
I love to think upon these things.
Let us rejoice in the gift of breath, the peace of the night
That we would be a people of a philanthropic mindset, grounded in truth..
that which is found in God's holy word.
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Escape
I was thinking about Hogan's tonight,
And the amazing and eccentric people..
Their footsteps grace the street, the dance floor.
Reflecting upon the different stages of life-
The different people I have been,
Oh, I miss the shows, the red benches
Bill Finch and his cut-off shirts, his fun hair.
Many a conversation I've had with new people,
Engaged stares across a somewhat hazy atmosphere...
Thinking to myself, who is that? He has something to say,
And I have ears to hear.
I learned much about myself in that place..
And about human nature, all with clarity.
Hogan's has a place in my heart.
It is a venue for few folks in the valley who,
Embrace the arts, those desirous of "larger waters"
But, for now, Hogan's allows for perhaps an escape..
A feeling of the city..
And then, I walk ouside and I smell the mill.
God Bless Hogan's... a taste of the city inside,
And the reality of the small town outside.
And the amazing and eccentric people..
Their footsteps grace the street, the dance floor.
Reflecting upon the different stages of life-
The different people I have been,
Oh, I miss the shows, the red benches
Bill Finch and his cut-off shirts, his fun hair.
Many a conversation I've had with new people,
Engaged stares across a somewhat hazy atmosphere...
Thinking to myself, who is that? He has something to say,
And I have ears to hear.
I learned much about myself in that place..
And about human nature, all with clarity.
Hogan's has a place in my heart.
It is a venue for few folks in the valley who,
Embrace the arts, those desirous of "larger waters"
But, for now, Hogan's allows for perhaps an escape..
A feeling of the city..
And then, I walk ouside and I smell the mill.
God Bless Hogan's... a taste of the city inside,
And the reality of the small town outside.
Friday, February 1, 2008
A Lost Friend
Those who read will probably be able to figure out who the "lost friend" is...if not, send your guesses my way!
So many years we have spent together,
Crossing fences through stormy weather.
You've guided me when I have lost my way,
For you are there near me even when I lay.
When all alone, I always enjoy your company..
Making sense and issuing connections,
Sharing your creativity and reminding me of appointments---
Brilliant ideas, an endless wonder,
Heart and soul so entwined with others.
A pleasant greeting from dawn to dusk,
Reminds me of cherised minutes--
Times when every breath, every sigh,
Any action of the day, preserved with a delicious beauty.
Never alone or empty, you were always with me.
A mother's wisdom perhaps easing emptiness..
An emptiness which sucked me dry, left me bottomless,
Naked with destitution.
The fear of oneself, the absence of your life..
The thrill of your gifts, the joy enflaming every extremity.
All was gone, a slave to the wind, a broken body.
O where have you escaped?
Too imprisoned with life, I miss your company.
Originator of brilliance and innovation,
An instrument of wealth..
Powerful radiance invading death's hold.
An umbrella from the rain, a shelter from the storm.
Your depth and wonder so missed--
Prayers lifted to the heavens, embodied with hope.
Please come back to me and fill this hole.
Ok, I'll let you know. I was in a depressive phase of bipolar, and i was feeling as if I had lost my mind, which is "the lost friend."
So many years we have spent together,
Crossing fences through stormy weather.
You've guided me when I have lost my way,
For you are there near me even when I lay.
When all alone, I always enjoy your company..
Making sense and issuing connections,
Sharing your creativity and reminding me of appointments---
Brilliant ideas, an endless wonder,
Heart and soul so entwined with others.
A pleasant greeting from dawn to dusk,
Reminds me of cherised minutes--
Times when every breath, every sigh,
Any action of the day, preserved with a delicious beauty.
Never alone or empty, you were always with me.
A mother's wisdom perhaps easing emptiness..
An emptiness which sucked me dry, left me bottomless,
Naked with destitution.
The fear of oneself, the absence of your life..
The thrill of your gifts, the joy enflaming every extremity.
All was gone, a slave to the wind, a broken body.
O where have you escaped?
Too imprisoned with life, I miss your company.
Originator of brilliance and innovation,
An instrument of wealth..
Powerful radiance invading death's hold.
An umbrella from the rain, a shelter from the storm.
Your depth and wonder so missed--
Prayers lifted to the heavens, embodied with hope.
Please come back to me and fill this hole.
Ok, I'll let you know. I was in a depressive phase of bipolar, and i was feeling as if I had lost my mind, which is "the lost friend."
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
As Bodie Sees It
I think Bodie, my brother's dog/family dog, is one of the most fascinating dogs around, and one who I believe displays many human-like characteristics, which I find lovely..so I decided to write a little something from a "Bodie perspective", seasoned with a big dash of human intellect.
I don't like my food, well, actually I do, but i become really excited when my masters have food in front of them. I suppose my food becomes boring, and I like to explore a different class of food altogether. Unfortunately, I think my brief intake of human food makes my insides turn, and I become quiet gaseous and displeasing to most; however I continue to carry on in these acts, and I have no intention of quitting.
I have a secret crush on tennis balls..I enjoy running after them and gnawing on them. I like the way my jaw sounds as it moves up and down...Deidre and "the parents" find this entertaining. I like to engage in a good game of fetch..in the house of course, cause who likes going outside in this weather? That can become rather interesting.
I have a pretty sweet bed upstairs...one of Austen's old camo sleeping bags, and one of Deidre's pillows. This way I can harbor both of their scents every evening, and keep them close to me, though miles separate us. Someday soon maybe I will get to see them both, maybe in the same visit-- that would be divine, and I would be in doggy heaven!
I don't like my food, well, actually I do, but i become really excited when my masters have food in front of them. I suppose my food becomes boring, and I like to explore a different class of food altogether. Unfortunately, I think my brief intake of human food makes my insides turn, and I become quiet gaseous and displeasing to most; however I continue to carry on in these acts, and I have no intention of quitting.
I have a secret crush on tennis balls..I enjoy running after them and gnawing on them. I like the way my jaw sounds as it moves up and down...Deidre and "the parents" find this entertaining. I like to engage in a good game of fetch..in the house of course, cause who likes going outside in this weather? That can become rather interesting.
I have a pretty sweet bed upstairs...one of Austen's old camo sleeping bags, and one of Deidre's pillows. This way I can harbor both of their scents every evening, and keep them close to me, though miles separate us. Someday soon maybe I will get to see them both, maybe in the same visit-- that would be divine, and I would be in doggy heaven!
Humanity's Defiance
This is a piece I wrote some time back..back in the day of about oh, 2001/02... I have been going through some of my old journals and "making them come to life"-- hopefully those who read will gain something.. or not :)
The crickets persevere vociferously through the night,
Does anyone hear us or know our beauty?
We saturate the night with music...
Music to entertain, to distract, simply to be.
Our humble conversation is the talk of many,
Some people anyway, take notice of our song.
We are so faithfully present to so many homes across the world-
Our numbers ever-increasing without boast.
Dead ears breed disgust among the music-makers.
How can so many grow in repulsive ignorance?
Apathy spreads like wildflowers infecting the good soil..
Why do the buzz of cell phones, the senseless chatter of the mouth, carousels and candy canes--
conflict with the natural flow of human existence?
Why, oh why, can we not revel in being still, and hearing nature's song?
A faithful listener appreciates nature's song from a lit room..
It pleases the ear and enlightens her soul.
Frustration abounds with the passing of loud, "pimped out" vehicles,
"red-neck sensation beasts,"
Oh, the ignorant people..
Quiet dignity proceeds, the pleas of the crickets
And humanity's defiance.
The crickets persevere vociferously through the night,
Does anyone hear us or know our beauty?
We saturate the night with music...
Music to entertain, to distract, simply to be.
Our humble conversation is the talk of many,
Some people anyway, take notice of our song.
We are so faithfully present to so many homes across the world-
Our numbers ever-increasing without boast.
Dead ears breed disgust among the music-makers.
How can so many grow in repulsive ignorance?
Apathy spreads like wildflowers infecting the good soil..
Why do the buzz of cell phones, the senseless chatter of the mouth, carousels and candy canes--
conflict with the natural flow of human existence?
Why, oh why, can we not revel in being still, and hearing nature's song?
A faithful listener appreciates nature's song from a lit room..
It pleases the ear and enlightens her soul.
Frustration abounds with the passing of loud, "pimped out" vehicles,
"red-neck sensation beasts,"
Oh, the ignorant people..
Quiet dignity proceeds, the pleas of the crickets
And humanity's defiance.
Monday, January 21, 2008
Short escalator
So many times I have wished your eyes were before me, to communicate words, to feel passion, spoken words, of no concern.
Long gazes, the warmth of your skin upon mine...
The scent of you upon my shoulder from a quick embrace,
And how silly I feel to desire never to wash this shirt?
Oh, what you have done,
My insides ride on an escalator of elation and confusion...
Longing for you to be near, never to leave my vision, you, in my veins.
Long gazes, the warmth of your skin upon mine...
The scent of you upon my shoulder from a quick embrace,
And how silly I feel to desire never to wash this shirt?
Oh, what you have done,
My insides ride on an escalator of elation and confusion...
Longing for you to be near, never to leave my vision, you, in my veins.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
musical inspiration
Hearing the music, title unknown, inspired the following words:
The rhythm of the music infuses her veins as she moves in step with the beat of the drum, incandescent lights, the flow of the satin skirt behind her...she sails across the floor intoxicated by nothing else than the liberation of the music, the sensation of the rapid pumping of blood through veins, heart beating faster than drum beat---anatomy of human body, boggles my mind. To think everything works to create this divine collaborative movement, the expression of self, the celebration of rhythm, the freedom of release.
The rhythm of the music infuses her veins as she moves in step with the beat of the drum, incandescent lights, the flow of the satin skirt behind her...she sails across the floor intoxicated by nothing else than the liberation of the music, the sensation of the rapid pumping of blood through veins, heart beating faster than drum beat---anatomy of human body, boggles my mind. To think everything works to create this divine collaborative movement, the expression of self, the celebration of rhythm, the freedom of release.
Search for love and sanity
Oh wayward train, movement continues for miles and miles, subsides now...bring me back to life, to reality---crazy train, no more--wake up my soul to new life, a new breath , the dawning of a sober existence
Wake up disillusioned America, and see the man beaten down by the shunning of the people, the blinders of the passer-by. The man who has weathered skin, the feet that turn inward, the hopelessness of his stance. Arise my soul, and see the need of this man, the hunger in his eyes, the need for love. Forever certain souls wait in hopeful abandonment to the emergence of a unified community, an understanding and humbled people.
Where has love gone? People are mere objects of mockery, a vain existence. We become victimized to the machine--production, production, money, money--ah, we have become blinded to the truth, but truth is relative to many in today's culture--absolute truth, the existence thereof? Another discussion perhaps.
Wake up disillusioned America, and see the man beaten down by the shunning of the people, the blinders of the passer-by. The man who has weathered skin, the feet that turn inward, the hopelessness of his stance. Arise my soul, and see the need of this man, the hunger in his eyes, the need for love. Forever certain souls wait in hopeful abandonment to the emergence of a unified community, an understanding and humbled people.
Where has love gone? People are mere objects of mockery, a vain existence. We become victimized to the machine--production, production, money, money--ah, we have become blinded to the truth, but truth is relative to many in today's culture--absolute truth, the existence thereof? Another discussion perhaps.
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