4 AM

It's 4am, and I can't sleep. Gotta be quiet and not make a peep.
Glossy stares across the room, my eyes look tired as I stare back through the mirror..
My head tells me that I am ready to be awake,
For I cannot quiet the conversations, analyzations, and questionings.
The chatter is mostly positive, although quite scattered in subject matter..entirely..
From memories of Bellingham mania, to stupid dudes of attraction, to God, crazy fires, boy you name it, it's there, swirling around in my brain.
I have to say that I am thankful for the creative and strange brain of mine, for it is what I have, and even if I wanted to change that, I couldn't..
So, I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety.

I'm assuming my inability to sleep throughout the night is a side effect from my new Bipolar meds..as I recently read that in stark black letters, "difficulty sleeping", among many other lovely side effects. Thankfully, at this juncture, I am not experiencing many other side effects, and hopefully this will continue.

Yes, I finally brought my ass to a psychiatrist, cause I figured, well gee, I do have Bipolar and it has been "untreated" for some time. The quotes reflect the whole drinking thing I did so well..that was my treatment of time's past, and so now that is nil, and I am left with the raw, the scathed, the stark and colored nature of my insane mind. It's all good, because I am truly at a point where I want to live my life and live within myself. I don't want to escape from myself anymore, and this is amazing. Reflections on the past have proven to be countless times of escaping, and covering shit up. No more, no thanks.

So I am praying for the effectiveness of Lamictal in my system, as are others, and today, I am not afraid. The "med wall" has fallen and I am willing to begin dealing with Bipolar in the right way. The moods were too intense and closer together. No thanks, party's over folks! Hopefully someone reading this enjoys the rambling :)

Broken

Oh Lord, may we experience the depth of our depravity..that this realization bring us to the foot of the cross. That we fully know the only redemption in this world, in our souls, is found in Jesus Christ.

We live in days that are scarred by untruth, colored in "beautiful" deception, souls searching for that which will fulfill, that which wil satisfy the flesh. High and low we search in desperation for the next fix. How do we escape from the fear of ourselves?

I have searched all the avenues of worldly affairs, even knowing the truth, yet so deep in the power of sexual and alcoholic seduction. It sucked me under, until I couldn't breathe. I lost my mind, again.

November 19th, 2007, I experienced the absolute horror and intensity of my disorder, the shrilling effects of chemical addiction. Monsters screaming in my head, God's truth ringing in my heart. The effort to find and maintain a sane thought process was nowhere to be found. I knew in this dark moment, under the rain, hands clenching the steering wheel, that I was at the end. I desperately wanted freedom, but this freedom was death. I didn't want to be alive, yet I knew that I did. The Spirit of God led me to the footsteps of my pastor's home. Battered, broken and helpless...I sunk into the arms of safety, a refuge from the storm. This was the beginning of new life, the beginning of freedom.

Growing Pains

Yes growing pains..indeed when in a physical form they are an annoyance, but these growing pains I speak of ,are those that involve the mind, spirit, and emotions.

I am proud of myself right now as I battled with the intensity of my emotions this evening without drinking or slamming a bat through my car door--which by the way, was a temptation. I am finding I have a great deal of rage as I am working through this program of recovery..alcoholic recovery.

Today was actually a great day, beginning at the wee hours of 420..yeah, totally unplanned, however, as my eyes opened I was initially thinking, "what a royal pain in the ass!" I just want to get some dam sleep! After I conquered this thought, I tried to do the next best thing with myself, and the flood of thoughts swirling around in my brain like acid in the tummy. I decided this was a perfect time to spend on my knees, communing with the Lord. As is often the case, I am awakened by obsessive thoughts of some design, namely a dude. I went on a tour with my old handcrew and this guy happens to be really cool, and hot..so, test number 9000..God is asking me, what are you gonna do with this one? Deep breathe, ahhhhhhhhhh..I surrender my emotions and true honest feelings, and I pray, a lot. After this, I delve into the Word, and make God's promises my own. I am so grateful that I have a strong commitment and love for the Lord..and He is renewing this love BIG TIME!!

I spent most of the day without a headache, and a heart and mind that was truly at peace...the day progressed, and unfortunately, my lovely headache returned (seems to be a part of my identity these days) anyhoo, I tried to keep my sanity, but an engine drive that subtracted some days from my life, and the swirling thoughts and emotions, seemed to get the best of me..dammit !

I went to a friend's house for dinner, which was lovely, but I couldn't escape the loveliness of this fellow..the typical analytical woman thoughts..why didn't he call, blah blah blah..so I texted and shed my skin..completely admitted I had the hots for this guy, and I am now thankful that I did, because now there is peace. He replied and said it would not be a good idea in the least to mix business with pleasure---what a guy--I leveled back down to reality, especially after my aa meeting, and realized, he is so right. He replied by saying, "We are still friends? And then, exchange of humor took place, and I feel so much better..thank you Lord for resolve..booyah..God is good, I am alive, and I am still sober.

Emergence

Within my heart and mind, there is a continuous struggle for the life of Christ to forever reign in this mortal being, and a struggle to do that which satisfies the annoyance of the flesh. It is a true challenge to balance the two..I am finding..humbling.

These last days and weeks have been a quite a rollercoaster ride in regards to the entirety of my being. I have fought for my sanity, I have fought for the right to choose life. This sounds heavy, and perhaps that is exactly what it is, yet this is reality.

I am living life through being raw. I am learning to deal with Bipolar and all of it's life and death, without picking up a drink or a drug, and for this, I am so grateful; however sometimes I hate it.
I have endured chronic and mental pain for some time now, and I am learning to breathe through it all..to be so thankful to my loving King who forever reigns in this being.

More than ever I have asked Jesus to be Lord of my life..in everything!! I am a desperate human without the light of His life, the strength of His life, flowing through my veins. These past days have been wonderful..I have sought the Lord...desperately. Oh Lord, that your life and your light would forever reign in and throughout me. That the power of Your word change my mind and my heart..chemically, spiritually. I am learning to live a life of spiritual discipline, because this is my vision, this is my lifeline.

I have great hope and vision this present moment. My heart aches for the lost, calls out for the enlightenment of those caught in an empty and fruitless world. I choose to live this moment, enjoying this computer, the music and melody of Dashboard Confessional, and a heart which aches to remain close to my King of Kings and Lord of lords.. I am His, and He is mine. He holds me in His hands when the angst of my soul is too much to bear.

May we be a people of vision, and hope.. a people who are guided by Christ Jesus, and empowered by His love. Let us grow in this love, the only hope for a depravity-stricken world.