Growing Pains

Yes growing pains..indeed when in a physical form they are an annoyance, but these growing pains I speak of ,are those that involve the mind, spirit, and emotions.

I am proud of myself right now as I battled with the intensity of my emotions this evening without drinking or slamming a bat through my car door--which by the way, was a temptation. I am finding I have a great deal of rage as I am working through this program of recovery..alcoholic recovery.

Today was actually a great day, beginning at the wee hours of 420..yeah, totally unplanned, however, as my eyes opened I was initially thinking, "what a royal pain in the ass!" I just want to get some dam sleep! After I conquered this thought, I tried to do the next best thing with myself, and the flood of thoughts swirling around in my brain like acid in the tummy. I decided this was a perfect time to spend on my knees, communing with the Lord. As is often the case, I am awakened by obsessive thoughts of some design, namely a dude. I went on a tour with my old handcrew and this guy happens to be really cool, and hot..so, test number 9000..God is asking me, what are you gonna do with this one? Deep breathe, ahhhhhhhhhh..I surrender my emotions and true honest feelings, and I pray, a lot. After this, I delve into the Word, and make God's promises my own. I am so grateful that I have a strong commitment and love for the Lord..and He is renewing this love BIG TIME!!

I spent most of the day without a headache, and a heart and mind that was truly at peace...the day progressed, and unfortunately, my lovely headache returned (seems to be a part of my identity these days) anyhoo, I tried to keep my sanity, but an engine drive that subtracted some days from my life, and the swirling thoughts and emotions, seemed to get the best of me..dammit !

I went to a friend's house for dinner, which was lovely, but I couldn't escape the loveliness of this fellow..the typical analytical woman thoughts..why didn't he call, blah blah blah..so I texted and shed my skin..completely admitted I had the hots for this guy, and I am now thankful that I did, because now there is peace. He replied and said it would not be a good idea in the least to mix business with pleasure---what a guy--I leveled back down to reality, especially after my aa meeting, and realized, he is so right. He replied by saying, "We are still friends? And then, exchange of humor took place, and I feel so much better..thank you Lord for resolve..booyah..God is good, I am alive, and I am still sober.