Thy will, not mine

So today has been an interesting day, as I had the day off, and accomplished many things that I had to complete, however the day was filled with a few disappointments that threw my moods for interesting loops.
I was under the impression that our engine was not going to go off forest until the latter part of this week, but such was not the case. Our engine was called to the Plumas National Forest, and because I was not working today, I got left behind...it's just simply the luck of the draw, and I have to deal with this..easier said than done, as the word brought me to tears.
I was so excited to go out on another tour, and then wam..it was if a large-sized board hit me in the face.
I had a myriad of emotions, thoughts and moods wash over me, and I knew it was up to what I did with my thoughts...do I surrender my will, or not? I must see this as a part of God's wonderful plan..and simply take refuge in that truth, but holy night is that hard..especially when life recently has been a rollercoaster...gee, the money would have been nice, as my car decided to kerplop on me, and now I am in the process of car shopping. Anyhoo, the complaintes could continue, and I could continue in my sob story.
I am choosing not to remain in this mire of self-pity, and surrender my will unto God's will. Tonight, as I was watching the stars in the sky and praying...I know the Lord was saying, "Thy will, not yours." God's plan in this is so much greater than I can ever imagine, and I must hold onto this, for my sanity.
I am tired, and the days will continue, and something good will come of this..this is only a test in the submission of my will unto my loving King. He knows best.

Silent Monsters

It wasn't enough to read the promises in Your Word, to hear praise songs..they did not
comfort my lonely soul.
I sat on the couch, alone in the house and the silence was loud, almost deafening, and it was almost too much for my soul to bear.
I decided the best thing to do was to go my room and unleash, to weep, just let it all out.
I told God how alone I felt, how I really just wanted someone there with me, a man.
I wanted someone in that moment to hold me, to tell me how beautiful I looked in my
disheveled moments, to embrace me in his strong arms. I have never had this comfort, and this
is frankly really fucking hard sometimes!
I am totally premenstrual right now, but nonetheless these feelings are real, and, for the first time in my life, this day, I am choosing not to drink over this bitter loneliness my soul
is experiencing.
I have hope this too, shall pass, and the Lord has great things in store for my life.
He is building strength within me that will move mountains, wisdom that will affect many peoples, joy that will infect the nations. This is my journey, this is my vision.
These tears are momentary, this life is temporal, the pain is producing fruits that last for eternity.
In closing, the monsters will go away, and I, will live another day, in sobriety.

Release

One should not be forgiven for passions unleashed,
Words spoken or written expressing intrigue, true feelings..
That which lies deep in the soul of a man should not be hidden.

We are a people who fear reckeless abandonment, who fear
Vulnerability because the risk of rejection remains a constant;
However, the bottling up of recurring passionate and raw truths
Often cause an explosion.
I do not fear the unleashing of passion to cause another to run the other way, although my Dreams remain in the person running into my arms..
In gratefulness for the expression of love.
I am fully aware my passions are so strong, the energy with which...
They run like wildfire through my veins sometimes feels like utter insanity!
Let us be a people who live in the freedom of release, the freedom of reckless
Abandonment to our deepest passions, our wildest dreams.

Long Days

So my days have been long, oh so long, as I have been slaving away under the hot California sun...well, most days anyway. Awareness among most, I am assuming is present, as newscasts, radiostations, and newspapers abound with the Northern California Armagaedon.

Yes peoples, California is on fire, and it is all apart of some lightning strikes that began about two weeks prior. Unfortunately, myself and my engine have not been able to take part in the action due to the fact that engines work on a rotation list. There were engines ahead of us that were due to go off forest before us, so they saw the action first hand; although I have to say, the intensity of the fires, and the early summer fire danger, are large watchout situations for further blow-ups, as well as the duration with which these fires will burn.

Although we have not been involved in this Armagaedon, we were prepared for one here in Truckee, as weather predictions here in Truckee warned of dry lightning and there was a bit of panic in the air as resources were low...nothin happened, but darned if we were ready by gosh! We have been working 12 hour days and I am pretty tired and need a day off for shizzle..today is day 10 but I just thinking about that amazing check I will be receiving!!

So, happy fireworks y'all...this girl is hittin' the sack!