The Eternal Existence

The only existence I feel is one of dread and remorse, for I have lost touch with myself, with God, and with others. I looked in the mirror and did not want to recognize the woman staring back at me..lifeless, joyless, an empty tomb--A chasm exists between myself and the lover of my soul. Why Oh Lord, when I need you most, does Your presence escape me? I try to hold onto your precious Word--promises that you will never leave or forsake me, and that you will deliver me. I fear the worst has come upon me, where doubt and unbelief cloud and darken my vision of Your truth. I have learned to surrender my feelings and circumstances at the foot of the Cross, and I will continue to stand and trust in the only thing that is eternal---You and Your Holy Word!

Oh Loving God, come now to rescue me, for I have lost the will to live. I cannot utter breath without these meds, yet they might as well be my enemy. Whatever I need to live a joyful existence, please bring it now! For I cannot bear another breath of pain, confusion, and emptiness. Come now to fill me with the power and inspiration of Your Truth! Oh God, reinstate life into every inch of this soul!

From Darkness to Light

My eyes are open, hungering for the light, yet darkness is all I see. My heart beats with fatigue...slow breath, is it even there? It is all I can do to cry out for mercy..."Oh Lord, please deliver me!" I cannot take this anymore! Where is the new life, the strength to mount up with wings as eagles, to run and not grow weary, and to walk and not be faint?" I want these feet to dance again! The burden I surrendered at the break of dawn, still remains a weight I cannot any longer bear. The Lord reminds me that He is the One to bear this weight. I reply, "Then why do I still suffer beneath the effects therewithin?"
"Stand and wait daughter...stand and wait, and may thine heart be still, and know that I will deliver thee!" I close my eyes and wait for My Deliverer, and beneath these closed eyes, the new light will begin to dispel of this darkness, and newness of life will enshroud me!

The Afflicted Soul

"It was good for me to be afflicted, that I may learn your statutes." This verse has laid seige upon my soul as I reflect on the past three years of my life experiences. I don't know if before this time, I would be able to rejoice in the truth of this verse. Through severe external loss and madness of mind, I have come to many resolutions. I can say, it has been of glory to God and to others that I was afflicted.

The power and raw beauty of God's Word, has injected a soundness of mind and spirit into my marrow. I have been unable to hold onto anything of this world, or that of myself. I was stripped of all I knew, and that which I laid hold. My mind and emotions were my worst enemy, and I so often wondered, "Where oh Lord have I gone...Where oh Lord have you gone?" He quietly asked me to come away with Him, to be still, and to listen. Furthermore, He assured me He was sitting right beside me, holding me as I wept in silence, the cold ravaging my bones. A great multitude of fear and doubt gripped every part of my cellular body, and I desperately cried out for new life. My Savior assured me this rocky and treacherous path, would soon turn into a smooth road, one marked with certainty, clarity and truth. I have learned what it means to be void of spirit, absent from life; however, I have never walked alone, and I will never walk alone. My loving God is absolutely intentional...in all things! There is never a circumstance that He allows which is out of His plan for mylife. He has designed my path with purpose, and with destiny! Take heart dear soul, in whatever travails beset you!

My Beloved

My Dearest Daughter,
As I look upon your face, I see everything your soul tries to hide. I know the anguish of this disease that has taken you captive all these years, and I do not take lightly the weariness within each breath and every sigh. I want you to continually know that my love for you is greater than you can fathom...it burns hotter than any fire that has scorched the land. I see the confusion in your eyes when you don't understand or comprehend this kind of love... the kind of love that allows for extended suffering. Take hold of My Word that speaks in great detail about the purpose and the glory in suffering. Envision my death on the Cross, and the great meaning within this sacrifice. My Father knew that it would be more difficult than I could ever imagine, yet He saw the whole picture. This death would mark the greatest event in history, for by my blood, men would have access to eternal life. I see the whole picture for your life because I am infinite. With your finite mind, understanding of the infinite is impossible, and you can only see and feel the pains of your yesterday, your today.

Precious daughter, this present darkness does not dictate the state of your tomorrow. With every breath, you continue to pursue me, and this has not passed me by. This long trial is all working for your good and for my glory! I am healing you! I am building character so steadfast, a fortitude of spirit, soul and body, that will affect the nations! Your dreams to write and speak were first my dreams, and then they became yours, as I implanted them within your heart! This is your Gethsemane, and from this wilderness, you shall emerge as a gem who has been placed in the fire, not to be burned, but to be refined. And out of this process, will arise a woman who is so free, she won't know what to do with such a liberation! Please see the smile upon my face as I gaze into your eyes and call you "My Beloved, Never Forgotten One, and Cherised Among All Rubies!" Continue to fix your eyes upon me. Do not look to the left or to the right. You are exactly where you are supposed to be, yet will not always remain. Allow the highest degree of hope to seize all that you are, for I have wonders anew in store for you!!!

Let Hope Arise!

Precious Lord, speak to me in the silence that displays itself through this pain and confusion! All that within me quakes, and cherished breath is a foreign commodity...yet in this imprisonment, my eyes shall look to your goodness and glory! You remind me of the beauty displayed in Jeremiah, where you comfort your children with the hope of the future....for you will break this suffocation, and lead me into the plans that you have for my life! Oh, the freedom that arises in my core, when I focus on gripping Your Word with all that I am...and I know that abundance of blessing unfolds for those who walk in obedience! I will speak to the evils of my flesh and rise up with sword of the Spirit! Though He slay me, yet will I trust Him!

You turn my eyes to the travails of Spurgeon, John Donne and many others... yet within their longings of humanity, Your sovereignty was their sanctuary! My being is filled with joy as points of relation with these men is so present. Many times they were stricken with paralysis of body, soul and spirit, taken into realms of suffering humanity hopes never to encounter. As I persevere through my own imprisonment, I am comforted by the stories of these men, and I will press on, desirous of continuing on as a warrior...taking the next step, climbing the next mountain, no matter how bloody my body becomes..God never makes light of our suffering...EVER! If we can envelope His spirit in every facet of our lives, the pain is seen differently...continue on dear soul in laying burdens down at the foot of the Cross! We are not built to be the bearer of our burdens!

Oh God, teach us to dwell continually in the shadow of The Almighty! A paradox exists before my eyes, in which my soul is so barren, yet a well that overflows..the words arise, sentences keep forming..I am so impassioned by this weakness, and the parallels that are present, and furthermore emboldened to share with others! Within this heart's cry, teach me to look to You above all else! May I crave nothing but the favor of Your face, Your presence before me, around me and in me! I will walk in the power of Your presence, I will declare Your promises over my soul and that of others! I will not look to the state of another's existence and ask "Why not them?" For I know you are doing the unimaginable in my life, and I will claim this as long as you give me breath! Take us from the temporal into the supernatural Oh Lord..that fear would be far from us, as you bring us into a deeper understanding of Your Holy Spirit!!! May we live in the expectancy of Your return Eternal Father! May we live for Your glory, and that alone.

Just Beat It

The rhythm, nature unrelenting... in how it crept into my veins, pushing my body to greater limits, making every bead of sweat drip with purpose; however mind's eye was impacted with an implosion of reverential awe. Dark light filled the room of sweaty bodies, pulses beating, each to their own accord... and then within the midst of ear-deafening music, I began to realize that my spirit quaked in a new way, and I questioned and studied this..I took notice of the lyrics, nausea filled my being as I was saddened by the ignorance that so easily causes discord within my own life.


It has been second nature to simply groove to the beat, to the rhythm of whatever is pumping around me, yet I have begun to notice the nature of the lyrics, void of rhythmical value. It amazes me how powerful the words are, yet lacking in substance and worth...I begin to think about today's youth, and all the influences that surround...Lady Gaga seems to be more illustrious than Jesus...a backwards world needs to be turned around again...it begins with
a voice of change, a voice of true purpose and passion!

A Soul Apprehended

Times of recent have proven my weakness, and absolute need for a holy God who desperately loves His children. I have been overcome by emotions of depth and torment, that have arrested every cell in my natural existence. My spritual man is alive, hungering for more of that which is not of this world. To experience the realm of this is raw, humbling, and troubling. I call out for restraint, yet I hear silence, I know nothing except the pain of realms undivided. As I read of the pains of our history, those comprised of philosophers, artists, and theologians, I am comforted....for from the depths of my spirit, arises hope again..I can see it, small, in the shadows..yet, it is there. These men rose above the calamities of the spirit, soul and body, and produced great works of writing, that God has used to grace this lonely and broken soul. Our feelings cannot dictate anything about our present or future state. If feelings were in dictatorship, would our King die a lonely death upon the Cross? I think not...He died because of a higher calling..He knew that the desperation of His natural man, would save us from the death of our natural man, in that, the redemption of our souls would move us into the presence of our spiritual man. We have freedom from this present darkness, if choices are made to surrender our earthen vessel.

I am captured, in particular, by C.S. Lewis...a man of brilliance and integrity, seized by the reality of the universal pain of our existence..."God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, and shouts to us in our pains...it is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world." Think upon this, and stand in awe...not of a man who apprehended the American world by his great works, but of a man who was apprehended by a God who suffered the greatest pain imaginable..all for us, all for our redemption. Unto Him be glory and honor forever and ever..Amen!

Majesty's Infusion

I am imprisoned to this flesh which seeks to be my demise.
Pulling me deeper into the abyss of deserted soul...
Dry eyes, that become a wasteland of tears,
Covering my skin, a sea of salt.
But deep within, rooted in my being,
Is a TRUST and a HOPE in the ONE TRUE GOD,
The KING OF ALL KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS!
He has taken residence within this skeleton,
Covered with earthen wear,
And within this enveloping, He resurrects...
Soul, mind and body...all that I am, to be all that He is!

And I hear His whisper of gentle, yet strong tone...
Lift up thy face oh daughter of mine!
Think not upon the pain that enraptures you,
But know and rest in the assurance..
That I am not a God who forgets His Bride!
Your being ingnites with my fragrance...
Breath of endless joy, suffocation no more!

My child, remain in my arms,
Listen to my voice...
The lover of your soul, the Master and Commander..
Of the Universe..all that was, and is, and is to come!
Let the infection of My Presence...spread like wildfire..
Consumption of your humanity, in exchange for My Majesty!

Ransomed

We are souls wailing for redemption..

A release from our humanity!

Oh take this flesh, this restlessness..

Majestic Lord, Risen King..

Breathe your Holy Life into our lungs...

Reaching the very marrow of our mortal beings!

When we look into the mirror,

May we see a reflection of You..

Those created in Your image,

Made new, walking with purpose,

Your blood pumping through our veins,

The cries of Divinity upon our heart's throne!

Warrior's Cry

I must veer my eyes heavenward..

And unto the Mighty King,

Whose glory is my ring!

Upon His breast, I will find rest..

And sit awhile.

He is my shelter in this storm of nature unceasing,

Breaking free from societal norm,

I will venture on never fearing the unknown!

For my God promises new strength and healing,

And upon this truth, I do stand!

I am His, and He is mine,

Hand in hand, we march on into enemy's line!

With sword in hands that quake..

I march on, with eyes awake,

To fight anything that comes my way!

Oh Savior Divine, with love abounding,

It is within your arms my life dost lay!

Please issue this weary soul rest,

And may hope increase through this dark test!

Amen and Amen.

Reclamation

Where upon this floor I lie,

Beckon unto You with soul dost cry..

My head cannot take the weight of this pain,

But Lord, I know, this is for your gain!

I look outside, and wish I were..

Gone with the wind unto the earth.

Scaling the depths of Your glory,

Upon the eagle's back I ride..

And down into the shadows of the tree I hide.

You meet me here and sit awhile,

I talk to You if presence be so..

My Comforter, Oh friend of sorrows,

Stronghold, My Deliverer!

You wipe my tears that flow as rivers of torrent,

Though confusion grip my soul,

There will never be a hole..

You always fill, you mend my wreckage,

And gird me with the armor of shine,

Unto Thee, be glory divine!

Stolen by the Sea

I am caught beneath the waves of the Adriatic Sea..

Woven into the muse of life underground,

Dancing mindlessly with creatures my eyes have yet to glimpse..

I slowly morphed into a mermaid-like creature,

Visible humanity left upon the shore.

Fear of life underground left me,

And I became apart of this culture of mystery,

Eclectic, graceful, beauty unknown.

A state of awe consumed my being,

As colors of foreign identity blazed before my lids.

The luminescence of my soul, joy abounding!

A Lost Companion

So many years we have spent together,

Crossing fences through stormy weather..

You have guided me when I was lost,

You are with me here as I lay.

When all alone, I always enjoy your company..

Making sense and issuing connections,

Sharing your creativity, reminder of internal calendar..

Ideas of brilliance, an endless wonder..

Heart and soul so intwined with others.

A pleasant greeting from dawn to dusk,

Reminds me of cherished minutes..

Times when every breath, every sigh,

Any action of the day, preserved in delicate beauty.

A mother's wisdom perhaps easing emptiness..

A void which has sucked me dry, a desert within my cavity..

Naked with destitution..the fear of oneself.

The absence of you, the thrill of your gifts,

The joy enflaming every extremity and vein.

Oh, where have you escaped?

I am imprisoned and need you!

Originator of innovation..luminosity unfolding..

Unimaginable radiance invading death's hold,

An umbrella from the rain,

A shelter from the storm.

I found this in an old journal..a poem I wrote in 2001, two years after being diagnosed with Bipolar..I was in a depressive episode, feeling as if I had lost my brain..the brain is the lost companion..hope this helped someone, or at least opened eyes and hearts..perhaps educational :)

Resurgence

Resplendence out of ashes,

Darkness never without the light,

I am falling beneath the floor..

The madness seizes my b0nes..

Cold, I shiver, night ensues.

I envision my Savior holding me..

Upon His back I will find rest,

His whisper of reverence softens..

With my spirit rising to greater heights,

Dark night of the soul quenched..

Savor this breath I will,

And fear not the next.

Source of Discontent

This is hardly worth posting, yet for a writer who is a perfectionist, it is validated! Some of my posts do not have paragraph breaks, and I have been trying to mitigate this issue, however I have found no success--perhaps this is due to the pain that seizes my head..anyhow, I am writing this in defense of myself--haha--the writings that you read are intentioned to have the breaks, but my computer does not want to respond correctly--I hope you all find the posts most challenging and rich for the soul--may the Lord bless you and keep you, and make His face to shine upon you!

No Greater Love

Every time I endure another level of pain, I am encountered with the thought of what I shall do in this pain..it is naturally a part of the human existence to try and fix the pain, to become frustrated, down, despondent..how do I escape from the madness? Oh, how the Lord is reframing my thoughts within this! And how I rejoice, more and more, when from this pit, my soul arises upon the wings of the Lord! The physical pain may not even change, but my attitude and spirit regarding this pain..does change..it is only through the power of Christ in my being, that I can truly rest in the pain..sometimes understand the source thereof..but if not the understanding, simply being still and knowing that He is God! What profundity lies within the statement that He is God! Be affected by this..daily..by the minute..He is God, the One who gave His only Son to die for us..a people so entrenched in selifishness, self-pity, hatred, bitterness, unforgiveness, jealousy--my stomach turns as I think of it..as I think of the sin in my own life in which the Lord is convicting me! If we are not broken by the magnitude of this sacrifice--the ultimate sacrifice of all time, then we need to plead with the Lord to make it blatantly clear to the core of our natural man! Envision Him as He walked through the crucifixion--pain that no man other than our Savior has felt--in every realm, concerning the physical, the spiritual, emotional and psychological..blood and sweat pouring forth from His brow, a crown upon His head, the weight of the world upon His heart, a Cross to carry and then hang upon...hanging there as the world spit upon Him with rejection..He died for this..He died for this..may this humble us dear souls! I wept today as I was hit like a tsunami with this horror, yet beautiful..how can we then continue on unaffected by our own sin, and that of the world! This is a time to rise up people--fixing our eyes upon the glory that is to come..sit with Him in your pain and ask Him to reveal the jewels that lie beneath the essence of pain..there is ALWAYS a purpose in our pain..the Lord NEVER allows anything within our lives through mere happenstance. He is a God of purpose, destiny, hope, and everlasting life..trust Him today, and rest in His arms..what glory to behold, what magnificence abounds!

Breathless

There are silent screams in my head, veil falling over my eyes and I shutter, I gasp, heart sinks..internal to external, the wailings begin and I cry out for peace! I just want to be ok, I murmur with shaky voice and hand..bells ringing.. The Savior I cling to, His arms of invisible squeeze me, envelope me.. And I know this will pass, as I will learn, I will write.. the passion, the dimension of soul will rise to new levels.. A heart quenched makes for a dry spirit and soul..an inner desert land must be foreign within me.

Septic Soul's Redemption

Rise above sepsis of the mind, the heart! We, as a people, need to realize our depravity apart from our loving God..we are nothing, He is everything..He will break us, He will move us, He will absolutely reveal to us our need for Him..what glory this is to behold, as He transforms our depravity within our cavity..and His life into us..ah, take this in..dance, sing and shout!

Escape from cultural reality, question the indentations of geneological mystery, the complexity of history, the reciprocity of professor and student--there is a great life beyond this temporal mess..but I do not neglect the beauty of this world when Christ is upon our heart's throne, because we then see with His eyes..hearts united as one, the dance of life..life with Christ in eternity is ours to behold if we surrender our humanity upon this earth, in exchange for the explosion of His love and divinity to enrapture us! We must recognize dear ones, that we are by nature, of sinful heart, and we need redemption by His blood..confession and repentance equates to freedom, entrance into another dimension with the Lord! This is hard, simply stated, but worth more than jewels..The more we humble ourselves before our King, the more we realize how holy He is, and the immensity of His love infuses every part of our natural beings!
Above all, KNOW of His love, DRINK of His freedom, and GLORY in The Cross!

Heart Extracted

Strangely enough, Last of the Mohicans grabbed my mind today with an intense parallel that I see for a dear friend of mine..for those who don't know, Last of the Mohicans is, in my opinion, one of the best movies I have ever seen..reasons are plenty, but a vivid and heart-pumping soundtrack is one of them. In one of the scenes, the main bad dude takes it upon himself to grab the beating heart out of one of the soldiers..this scene was intense, to say the least, but has spoken to the depths of my heart.
The Lord our God is a mighty God, jealous for those whom He loves, and aching to know more of His people...to the very core of who we are..I have been quite impassioned as of late with His love, His healing, His provision, and His glory! And this passion ignites the quintessence of my being like a tsunami, a violent storm..I saw the Lord reaching into Your cavity, seizing your heart..the beating, the blood, the beauty..and He, with grace and breathlessness, brought it to His breast and held it there. With eyes closed, serenity upon His face, and fear upon yours, it was all as it should be. Redemption, reemergence, complete renewal..you were desperatly reaching out for it with sweat, tremors across your body..you wanted it back, you wanted it to be as you desired..but the King knew better..your heart in His hands, your life almost dead..oh what glory was to behold, as the Savior with unveiled face reached down and placed His heart into yours..and you thought it was gone..well it is..but you now have a new heart that pulses with the rhythm of Christ Himself, you have been made new, you stand up and you shout because you have been saved..glory, peace, vivacity, intensity..you never thought it could be this good..and the Savior of the Universe pulls you into His majesty and whispers.."You have my heart within you now, run with a new heart that beats, that dances, that sings with purity, life, peace, and grace!" You cannot hold it in..you gasp, you sob, and then you fly with renewed wings like the eagles..You scream, "I am free, truly free!"

No Room For Reason

My answers are not to be found by the reasonings of my own mind, for if I place reliance up0n such falsitites, death of my soul, I will find..yet if I trust upon Christ and His wisdom, freedom and illumination light my way..this is a strange argument as God has equipped us with minds and hearts to reason, to think for our own..if we did not have the capabilities to do so, we would be lost much of the time. I have recently been learning a great deal about what I am actually thinking about throughout the day, and I find that many times I am caught in my dream world, in fantasy, creating a reality of my own, instead of living in the present. The Lord is teaching me a great deal about the beauty in captivity of thought, such that if my thoughts are not glorifying to Him, they are glorifying the enemy..oh come on now, but the more I studied this, the more it has sat on my heart's throne. We try and try to figure things out, to calculate, to justify, to rectify, yet all along, the Lord is sitting peacefully beside us, just waiting for us to give it all to Him! Dear friends, what peace, solitude and contentment has been found as I continue to be diligent within this..the more we become His, the more we surrender the rights to ourselves, and furthermore realize that we are His workmanship--He can do with me whatever He wills--this has taken a great deal of brokenness, as I have battled with sickness of mind and body..The One who sits on the throne loves us exceedingly, and will do what it takes for absolute surrender..do with me what Thou wilt! I long to be His more and more because He has assured me within the eloquence and power of His Word, that His ways are higher than my ways! The Lord promises to do exceedingly and abundantly more than we can ever imagine! Such glory divine..the battle is not ours to fight, but the Lord's--we simply have to be willing warriors :)

Divinity Unfolds

I see the light, but a glimmer of modest shine, presence close to unknown..and I know, I hope for this light to grow, until this reflection of divinity encapsulates every inch and depth of my cavity..infecting every bodily rhythm, furthermore revolutionizing the intentions of my every move, His life's direction!

Take Me As I Am

Take me as I am, down here upon the floor..I am sinking under quickly..these tears have stained my face for far too long, and I have nowhere to go but unto the feet of Your glorious Cross..You meet me here with all that is within me--this confusion,the rage that seizes my soul, that which is trying to steal me away from You! I stand up and say No! My voice cries out.." Let there be nothing that takes me away from You Oh Lord! I don't want the lies to eat at me, I don't want his face to consume me, I don't want my impulsive desires to be my guide! This torment shall not be in vain, for through it, I will help those around who suffer from the reality of the darkness that floods the yes with untruth..this then is how we stand..we must flood our eyes with the truth, the illustrious promises of our Lord--He meets us where we are, and He cries with us. He knows our pain, feels it, embraces us as we feel death at our next sigh. Oh Glorious and Risen Savior! I thank thee for giving me a reason to live. Thank you for placing people within my life who speak truth and promise! My breath is taken away as I meditate upon Your holiness, the death You died to give me new life! I choose to walk in Your freedom, and I choose to fight for You, to fight for my life, and to fight for others!

Victims No More!

We cannot fall victim to the enslavement of our emotions or feelings, those which have imprisoned us in the past or the present! I quite often find myself so desirous of trying to capture a past moment, a person I used to be, a feeling that heightened my emotional state of being..if we are chasing an emotion or a feeling rather than chasing Christ, we are in sin..this sounds harsh, but the Lord has revealed this to me..and through this revelation, I am beginning to find freedom for my mind, my soul--praise Him! We are caught within the trappings of the lusts of the flesh, rather than the truth of Christ. We need to become evermore diligent about applying the Living Word of God to sustain and strengthen the state of our mental affairs! Lay it all down before The King..immediately! His love will envelope our beings, His peace will rush through us like a mighty river, a fiery blaze--woooohoo :) Take captive those thoughts and make them obedient to Christ! Philippinas 4:6 states, "Do not worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done."

If our souls do not hunger and thirst for righteousness, take a microscopic look at the happenings within your life, both internally and externally! Do not be hesitant to ask, "Lord, why do I hunger not?" The world needs to know Jesus, and it begins with those who have become pierced by His Word, and who can truly utter, "Nothing else matters than knowing Jesus Christ!" As we grow to know Him, may the truth of His beauty, His Majesty, and His sovereignty, ignite the quintessence of our natural beings!

Thy Wondrous Majesty

Oh Lord, Creator of this vast universe..I am forever grateful for Your authority, Your dominion..for without Your holy presence, the human race has no hope, there is no freedom from sin! I am so thankful for Your presence, Your sacrifice upon The Cross! You came to serve, not to be served. Lord, we live in a world where justice is many times forgotten, man is set upon the throne, rather than You, our Almighty Creator! Oh, that we learn to become lovers of You, disciplined in our actions, in our thoughts..teach us to die to ourselves daily. Redeem us Oh God, that Your life in us, would cause man to question His existence, his every breath--that those who don't know You, would encounter a heartache, a brokenness as never before..may they fall prostrate in the realization of Your unfathomable, mysterious love! We are lost without You Lord!