It's 4am, and I can't sleep. Gotta be quiet and not make a peep.
Glossy stares across the room, my eyes look tired as I stare back through the mirror..
My head tells me that I am ready to be awake,
For I cannot quiet the conversations, analyzations, and questionings.
The chatter is mostly positive, although quite scattered in subject matter..entirely..
From memories of Bellingham mania, to stupid dudes of attraction, to God, crazy fires, boy you name it, it's there, swirling around in my brain.
I have to say that I am thankful for the creative and strange brain of mine, for it is what I have, and even if I wanted to change that, I couldn't..
So, I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety.
I'm assuming my inability to sleep throughout the night is a side effect from my new Bipolar meds..as I recently read that in stark black letters, "difficulty sleeping", among many other lovely side effects. Thankfully, at this juncture, I am not experiencing many other side effects, and hopefully this will continue.
Yes, I finally brought my ass to a psychiatrist, cause I figured, well gee, I do have Bipolar and it has been "untreated" for some time. The quotes reflect the whole drinking thing I did so well..that was my treatment of time's past, and so now that is nil, and I am left with the raw, the scathed, the stark and colored nature of my insane mind. It's all good, because I am truly at a point where I want to live my life and live within myself. I don't want to escape from myself anymore, and this is amazing. Reflections on the past have proven to be countless times of escaping, and covering shit up. No more, no thanks.
So I am praying for the effectiveness of Lamictal in my system, as are others, and today, I am not afraid. The "med wall" has fallen and I am willing to begin dealing with Bipolar in the right way. The moods were too intense and closer together. No thanks, party's over folks! Hopefully someone reading this enjoys the rambling :)
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About Me
- Deidre
- "No one is as capable of gratitude, as one who has emerged from the kingdom of night."
5 comments:
Deidre!
I loved this. My favorite line: "I think it pays off to embrace ourselves, in entirety." GOOD STUFF!
Also this part: "I don't want to escape from myself anymore." Awesome! And how often are all of us trying to escape from ourselves? What a blessing that you're feeling more free from that.
I'm really glad the meds are treating you well and that you made the step to get new treatment. That's a step toward making new changes and that is a big deal.
I just mailed your Forest Service reference form. Only the most glowing words I could find, of course!
Did you get my package?
Hey love, thanks for the feedback..i am flabbergasted--what is the FS reference form? I feel silly not knowing what is going on? Haven't received package,,prob tomorrow!
I'm with Charity...loved that "embrace ourselves, in entirety" line.
That's perceptive of you to see how you were treating the bipolar before with alcohol...and how now that you're not treating it with that anymore, maybe you need to find something else. I hope that finding meds that work make it easier to avoid your previous treatment method. And that you don't spend too many mornings awake at 4 am. Yikes.
And its cool that you aren't afraid to treat it with meds. Not trying to tough it out anymore...recognizing that you were "treating it with meds" before, just meds with seriously bad, life-threatening side-effects...and that you're not being weak for turning to good meds, you're being smart.
The FS reference form showed up at my house this weekend. They asked me to provide a job reference for you. For a Forest Service Tech job, I think. Ring any bells? I said that you're totally amazing, of course.
Hope you love the CDs! Bright Eyes takes up the majority of the first one.
I so enjoy your rambling, as I just rediscovered you my buddy Deidre. So good to see you are writing. When my little one is not so little i might start writing again :)
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